Step 2

As many of you know, I've been working on building my relationship with my biological father over the past few years, with a greater amount of purpose and force in the recent year or so. 

To say that mending an unhealthy relationship that really never existed has been awkward would be an understatement, however I am cognizant of the fact that this has been a necessary experience that would end up sponsoring a great deal of internal growth.

Through the rollercoaster that this has been, I have learned that ignorance can breed negativity.  When I was younger, I don't think I had the capacity to view things in any other way than the way that I'd been influenced to believe.  As I grew up, had my own children, hardships and experience - I learned very quickly that ignorance goes hand in hand with naivity, in that with both - you don't really know as much as you think you do....and it can be fatal.

And that tended to be the case when it came to the issues within the father/daughter relationship that I didn't have with my real dad.  The more I learned about him and the circumstances surrounding my birth and childhood, the more I formed my own opinions.  In a sense, I offered my close "friends" (anger, resentment, hurt, and despair) a chance to retire from their duties of 'taking up way too much space in my heart'.

Their retirement was brutal at times, because those feelings were so comfortable.  It was easy to be mad.  To hate. To feel sorry for myself and my situation.  

However it gave me a chance to meet some new 'pals' that quickly took over the mess that was my heart and began mending the pieces. You may know them as "forgiveness, grace, logic, humility, acceptance and trust."

Amazing how the 4 friends I hung on to for so long (anger, resentment, hurt and despair) were replaced by 6 new pals (forgiveness, grace, logic, humility, acceptance and trust) ... but yet they feel so much less bulky.  A much more comfortable fit.  And easier to live with.

I would have to say "acceptance" is the hardest one to hang out with.

Accepting someone for who they are, is very, very tough at times.  I've had to accept that my biological dad will never be the prototype that we all expect our dads to be. I have had to learn to accept that, his heartfelt apology and humility in admitting some of the biggest decisions he ever made in my life caused me a great deal of suffering ... is the definition of love.

At its purest form.

Everything that comes after that is just an outward act of love.  And maybe his way of showing love and my way of showing love are two different things. 

I can't fault him for that.

"Just because I don't love you the way you think I should, doesn't mean I'm not loving you with all that I have."

Doesn't that sing so true?

Have you ever wished someone would love you in a different way?

Have you ever loved someone the best you knew how, and they rejected you?

I've accepted that he will never be the type of dad that I could call up, crying and give me some good solid advice that I need.

...but it doesn't mean that he wouldn't try.



He called me last week to tell me about some issues with his health.  I remembered last night that he had an appointment with his heart surgeon on Thursday and that he was very scared of going.  I texted him to ask what time his appointment was and he said 1pm.  He said in the text back that he wished I could go with him.

He was reaching out, asking me to be there for him.... like a daughter should.

And if I truly reside with my pals; forgivness, grace and acceptance... there should be NOTHING that would stand in my way of being there for my 'dad' when he is scared.  I knew at that moment that I had to go.

So, I moved a couple of calls around and headed to Indy.  I knew it would be a little awkward, because healthcare is a very private part of one's life to share.... and i'd never really spent any time with him one-on-one.  So, I handled the situation with care. 

When I arrived, I saw him in the waiting room and he gave me a big hug and thanked me for coming. I felt my muscles clinch tightly as he hugged me, as if to say, "stay numb.  If your relationship with him doesn't work out, you don't want to feel the pain again." 

I told him I was happy to be there with him and had a seat.

When the nurse called us back, I could tell he was very nervous.  Nervous about his health.  Nervous about the fact that, no matter how much he says "you're my daughter just like the other girls" and "i love you just as much as the other girls".... it's so much different when you're face to face with someone that you let down, tremendously - yet they are there with open arms and an open heart full of Grace.

If only he knew.

I haven't had very many meaningful conversations with the man; but the words we exchanged for the twenty to thirty minutes we were waiting on the doctor to come in were so pure.

So vulnerable.

So Real.

So  Invested.

and So, so Needed.

I needed to see that he was a real person.  Not someone who told me what I would want to hear, after all these years.

He talked about how scared he was that he was going to die.  How this heart condition has really changed his perspective on life.  How he pictured Jesus looking.  How he still has a lot to learn about me.

I learned a lot about him at the appointment today.... but above all - I learned to live without regrets.

Because they haunt you.

You can't change the decisions you made in the past.  Those are done.  Completed.  Ready to be put away.

But you can change the way you make decisions today.  That change though, comes at the cost of a great deal of effort.  And effort isn't something that's easy to apply to every-day situations and habits.  Effort is a lot of work; but yields an enormous amount of results.

I sat alone in an 8x8 room today across from a man who gave me life...

...but wasn't a part of it.

A man who suffers hearing loss from gunfire and military equipment...

....but has a weak spirit.

A guy who didn't realize how fragile the hearts of others were...

...until he began to suffer from Ventricular Tachycardia.

A man who loves Jesus...

...but fears death.

A Father who lives with a great deal of regret for his actions and choices...

....and receives love and forgiveness from the daughter he didn't want.

A man who feels he has no dignity...

...but doesn't realize that opportunity is always knocking and second chances await him.



Isn't that what life is all about? 

Making the best of the 'now'? 

Saying that you should live without regrets is so cliche'.  Even for me, the queen of inspirational quotes and motivational speeches.  However, the key to living without regrets, in my opinion - is making the best of right now.

I had a choice to make today.

I could've stayed home where it was comfortable, doing the same tasks day-in and day-out.  It wouldn't have hurt anyone and I wouldn't have had to exert any effort.

However, I chose to be uncomfortable.  I took 5 pages of notes at a cardiologists office about a man I don't really know that well.  I learned a great deal about his femoral vein, the lower chambers of his heart, the electrical exchange in his valves and arteries, EKG's, electrophysiology testing, etc.

But what I hope above all is that he learned alot about my heart today too.