Better Days

I think people are brought in and out of our lives for a reason.  Most of the time, the reasons aren't clear at the time, which makes understanding the path of life difficult, at best.

Other times, people stay in your life for long enough that you can look back and realize how they impacted your life and the purpose of their existence.  I have a sweet girlfriend that I met a little over 10 years ago, and have had the priviledge of walking in and out of eachother's lives a couple of times over that period of time.  She's a person that "gets me", she doesn't judge and often thinks the way that I do.  She's supported me, like many of you, through some of the hardest times in my life and I am so, so thankful for that support from her.

At the same time though, we've had our falling-outs and it always seems that when we reconnect, we do so with complete forgiveness and clean slate.  I appreciate every single time I'm able to be in her company because I know that there's nothing I can't talk to her about and have her opinion/support/etc.

I have other friends, that it seems I've entered their life to use my life experiences to help them get through hard times and then our friendship starts to dissipate and take it's natural course of moving on.  They take what they learned from our friendship and apply it to others; and life goes on.

Others have entered my life at just the right times, making me believe in things I'd lost hope in.  And whether they stick around for the duration, or choose to spend just a small amount of time with me, I have to trust that there was or is purpose and a lesson to be learned from their involvement in my life.

Sadly, in some instances I may have to learn that 'trusting certain people' with your heart cannot be done lightly.  At the end of the day, it is what it is.

I try to face every "difficult" situation in my life with an open mind, and although I'm not the best at doing this on-the-spot or in the middle of conflict or issue, I always try to take a step back and say,

"ok, what am I supposed to be learning from this?" 

When i view situations in that light, it usually helps me level set and move forward with a positive thinking mind, instead of the instant negativity that accompanies hurt feeilngs, frustration, resentment, anger, devastation, etc.

My son is a lot like I am; sometimes that is good, and other times that is bad.  It's difficult to parent "yourself" when the individual you are trying to parent has the same train of thought that you do and it becomes a battle of will.  On the other hand, it's a nice challenge to look at my own life and the positive attributes that I have and attempt to nourish those traits within my son to help use his strong willed energy and turn that into a good leader someday, in whatever he chooses to do with his life.

On the other hand, it has been equally as rewarding and challenging to parent my daughter.  She is so polar opposite of me in many ways and has been since day 1.  I often find myself asking, in the midst of a challenge,  "how am I supposed to parent this child that is so different from me?"

More times than not, the answer is clear:

"Just learn from it.  Do your best, love her unconditionally and learn from it."

So, I do.

I've learned how to love people more; because of her.  I wasn't a good person at loving others with the hardened heart that I had protected from past hurts... yet, when i'm in the middle of a 'moment' with my daughter, where i'm fuming mad and furious, she looks at me and says, "mommy, i love you, I do still love you, even if you are yelling at me."

And it breaks my heart.

In that heated moment where i'm so frustrated that I cannot see straight, she can still mutter the words, "I love you" to me, despite my momentary rage.

All my life, I've wanted someone to just love me.  Through the good and the bad, just love me. 

And she does. 

What a lesson to me on how to love through good and bad.

Patience.

The word that is my arch-enemy.  I am not a patient person by nature.  Well, i didn't use to be.

Until my girl.

Because we think so differently, it has required a great deal of patience on my part to try to help her grow into the confident and independent young woman that came very naturally to me.  yet, at the same time, accepting her as she is.

Oh, Patience.... thank you for coming into my life in a sort of "baptism by fire" kind of way through my daughter.

I'm not the best at showing love and i'm not the most patient person.  I do try, but I know I'm not the best.

Yet, that's all my daughter wants from me... a great deal of love, and patience.

She's not a bad kid.  I don't get calls from the school about bullying, she demonstrates outstanding citizenship, cares about other people's feelings like none other.

All she wants is my love, support and encouragement. 

Sure, it's frustrating at times. 

Ok, a lot of times it is frustrating. 

..but for selfish reasons.  Because I don't want to take 30 minutes to love on her... i want to put her to bed and her go to sleep.

Really? 

I borrowed 18 years of time from her long life and I can't just relish in the moments alone with her before bed?

I can't stop loading the dish washer, taking out the trash, doing laundry, working, doing homework, texting, etc ....

...to spend time giving my daughter 'love'?

The one thing she is just craving, for whatever reason, and I'm too busy.

Is there ever such a thing as loving a child "too much?"   I think all children's needs are different.  Just as everyone's adult love languages are different.

I try so hard to meet the needs of the people that I love through understanding them and their love language.

And I really need to be more in tune with her love language and no matter how awkward or odd it makes me feel to deliver on that, I need to do a better job of it.

Admittedly, last night was a rough night at my house.  I started out wrong, when she needed love, I strictly enforced that I needed space.

When she needed reassurance, I forced my lack of desire to "do this right now".

I failed.

Last night, I failed. 

I didn't do my job as a parent, I was being selfish.  And it happens.

Some day, I will look back, in my days without children and wish for just one more moment that they were still little, innocent and demanding of my love.

For now, in times like these... days like today when I just want to throw in the towel on everything, give up, and stop believing in little things that make me happy.... I exercise the patience and love that i have learned in the past 8 years and i tell myself that:

1.) Love is a Proper Noun and a Verb. 

2.) Love doesn't throw in the towel.  Love loves no matter what.  If love doesn't love no matter what, then it wasn't love to begin with.

3.) Love loves those that you do love deepely, enough to do whatever is right to make them happy.  Even if it means they have to make tough choices that may hurt you.

4.) Love is patient.  Love waits it out.  Love is what is in your heart.  Your head might tell you otherwise, but you can't fool your heart.  Love is a feeling, not a logic.

5.) Love is not selfish.  Love looks out for others, supports them, encourages them, and doesn't judge them.  If you're not looking out for others, supporting, encouraging and judging on the basis of selfishness, then it isn't really love.

At least that's the way I see it.

I'm hoping there are better days ahead.