My weekends seem to be crammed full from start to finish these days, but I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way.
Scratch that.
At times, it would be nice to just sit and relax. But who am I kidding? I need to keep myself busy.
Friday evening, I took my girl to drop her off with her dad for the weekend and ended up going to dinner and shopping with my mom for a little bit. It was nice to spend some time with her and although there is an unspoken amount of friction between the two of us right now, it was nice to spend time with her.
Saturday, I got up early and headed to downtown Indy to take a friend of mine's engagement pictures before my Econ Mid-Term exam at IUPUI. I finished the pictures and headed on over to the exam so I could get in some last minute study time beforehand with some of my classmates. Although the study session helped a bit, I had been studying for a couple of weeks and felt like I knew what I was going to know, period.
The exam went well and I think I did ok. Let's hope so at least :)
After my exam, I headed home to get ready for my childhood best friend's wedding. It was a nice event, but by the time dinner was over, I was ready to get out of the dress clothes and relax. It had been a long day already.
So, I dropped my mom off and headed over to my sweetie's house to see him and his son before bed.
Sunday morning, I got up early and had really good intentions of going to church, until I fell asleep on the couh after putting my jeans in the dryer. I woke up with just enough time to go to the grocery and get some items to cook in advance of a cookout I was going to have that evening with Allison and family.
So, I ran to the grocery in record time, came home and baked a spice cake while making homemade macaroni and cheese. I was able to get the macaroni and cheese done enough to take it over to Allison's mom's house prior to our cookout so she could throw it in the oven and have it ready by 5, when the get together wa supposed to begin.
After dropping the food off at her mom's, I drove to the Football Field (my home-away-from-home) where I watched the All - Star team scrimage against 3 other local schools in preparation for their games this week. It was nice to watch other teams play and not the same 5th grade Pendleton boys over-and-over.
After his scrimmage concluded, I headed to pick Bekah up from her dad's so we could go meet Allison at her parents' house. We ate some yummy burgers, took some quick family pictures and spent the rest of the time left before dark shooting guns at targets that her husband Jason set up. It was a great time!
All in all, the weekend was a good one... although I'm really not wanting to be prepared for the upcoming week.
I'm dying to take the kids somewhere over fall break, just to get away, but I'm not certain that will happen. I've looked at different places and just can't seem to find somewhere to go that suits my fancy.
Maybe I will make that my mission this week ; to find something fun to do over fall break.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
The Boys of Fall
My son has played football since he was in First Grade, which has been 5 years now. He started out with Flag Football, then moved to tackle in 3rd grade. I really never understood football before he started playing, and to be real honest, I didn't fully understand it until about the end of 3rd grade. That's when I started to really catch on.
Here is my interpretation of football. For those of you who understand football, you will probably get a good laugh.
For those of you that are like me and don't really 'get it' ... this may help you out, scare you to death or make you cry. Who knows.
So, the ball gets hiked from the middle of the big group of guys and somehow it lands on the hands of another kid... i haven't figured out if it's the quarterback or not, but anyway - depending on the play they are running, the quarterback will either take off running with the ball or pass it or fake pass it to someone else.
Everyone else's job is the push the opposing team away and keep them from making contact with the cool guy that is carrying the ball. I didn't really "get" this concept until I saw a play last year where it was literally like slow motion, our team had the ball and was running and our players were running along the side, pushing the opposing team out of the way to clear the path for the runner. It was like a giant lightbulb went off in my head. And all of a sudden, I knew when to cheer. On my own! Instead of just clapping when I saw other people clap.
Now, another thing I just finally figured out yesterday (another amazing ah-ha moment). So, there's the "chain gang" ... and I never really understood what they did, but Chas' dad is always on the 'chain gang'... and basically he stands on the other side of the field and holds one of three poles. Two of them are giant circles and then the one in the midde is a number that signifies "downs" or whatever. (Remember I'm a novice here).
So, there's a set amount of distance between the two bullseyes. And basically, the offense has 4 tries to get past the bullseye. If they can't make it, then the ball goes to the other team. I think. This might have something to do with the term "line of scrimmage" but I haven't yet figured that out yet either.
I'm getting there though.
Penalties and logic of plays... no clue. One step at a time here.
So yesterday's game... my son was ON FIRE.
And when I say "ON FIRE" ... I mean... i was resisting the urge to stand in the crowd, flailing around yelling "THAT'S MY BOY!!!"
I controlled myself.
But inside, I was beaming with pride at what a great player he was yesterday. By the end of the game, I wasn't sure his head would fit inside my small SUV for the ride home.
I seriously love that boy.
Basically, he played defense yesterday, and he plays the position of "nose guard". I have no idea what this means other than the fact that he is in the center of the defensive line and when the other team hikes the ball, he is supposed to cut right though the middle and try to 'sack the quarterback'.
Yesterday, out of no where, my handsome and skillful son comes running and tackles the opponents runner like it was nothing. 3 times in a row. If yu were in any close proximity to Pendleton, you probably heard me yelling at my boy.
Hearing all 3 coaches yell encouragement towards my son's actions as well as the opposing coaches telling their team to "watch for #48" was quite possibly one of my most proud moments as a Football Mom.
I love my boy.
Here is my interpretation of football. For those of you who understand football, you will probably get a good laugh.
For those of you that are like me and don't really 'get it' ... this may help you out, scare you to death or make you cry. Who knows.
So, the ball gets hiked from the middle of the big group of guys and somehow it lands on the hands of another kid... i haven't figured out if it's the quarterback or not, but anyway - depending on the play they are running, the quarterback will either take off running with the ball or pass it or fake pass it to someone else.
Everyone else's job is the push the opposing team away and keep them from making contact with the cool guy that is carrying the ball. I didn't really "get" this concept until I saw a play last year where it was literally like slow motion, our team had the ball and was running and our players were running along the side, pushing the opposing team out of the way to clear the path for the runner. It was like a giant lightbulb went off in my head. And all of a sudden, I knew when to cheer. On my own! Instead of just clapping when I saw other people clap.
Now, another thing I just finally figured out yesterday (another amazing ah-ha moment). So, there's the "chain gang" ... and I never really understood what they did, but Chas' dad is always on the 'chain gang'... and basically he stands on the other side of the field and holds one of three poles. Two of them are giant circles and then the one in the midde is a number that signifies "downs" or whatever. (Remember I'm a novice here).
So, there's a set amount of distance between the two bullseyes. And basically, the offense has 4 tries to get past the bullseye. If they can't make it, then the ball goes to the other team. I think. This might have something to do with the term "line of scrimmage" but I haven't yet figured that out yet either.
I'm getting there though.
Penalties and logic of plays... no clue. One step at a time here.
So yesterday's game... my son was ON FIRE.
And when I say "ON FIRE" ... I mean... i was resisting the urge to stand in the crowd, flailing around yelling "THAT'S MY BOY!!!"
I controlled myself.
But inside, I was beaming with pride at what a great player he was yesterday. By the end of the game, I wasn't sure his head would fit inside my small SUV for the ride home.
I seriously love that boy.
Basically, he played defense yesterday, and he plays the position of "nose guard". I have no idea what this means other than the fact that he is in the center of the defensive line and when the other team hikes the ball, he is supposed to cut right though the middle and try to 'sack the quarterback'.
Yesterday, out of no where, my handsome and skillful son comes running and tackles the opponents runner like it was nothing. 3 times in a row. If yu were in any close proximity to Pendleton, you probably heard me yelling at my boy.
Hearing all 3 coaches yell encouragement towards my son's actions as well as the opposing coaches telling their team to "watch for #48" was quite possibly one of my most proud moments as a Football Mom.
I love my boy.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
D-E-F-E-N-S-E
Whether or not I'm sitting here with a preventable stomach ache from eating 2 bowls of Apple Salad this morning is really not important. What is important is that through this experience, I had an epiphany.
One of my favorite things... ok, maybe it's not one of my favorite things, because I have many other things that are far more enjoyable than what i'm about to talk about - so let me restate...
I get a great deal of pleasure from watching myself and others go through the motions of 'defending' themselves. And this could be defending themselves against anything. So, keep your mind broad as you read through this.
It's almost as if it goes in slow motion.
I'm going to look at this from a very basic and broad perspective.
Step 1: Person A does something wrong or could have used better judgement.
Step 2: Person A realizes their wrong-doing/lack of judgement and/or Person B points out Person A's failure.
Step 3: Person A begins to rationalize in their head why they did whatever it was.
Step 4: Person A begins to state their case to either themselves or Person B.
I think I find it so wildly amusing because I am uber guilty of doing it... all the time. Let me give you an example from, well - about 15 minutes ago.
Step 1: I decided to eat a bowl of Apple Salad. I grabbed a small bowl (picture a small sour cream container that i've washed out) and proceeded to fill itto the point where it was about to spill over with the infamous Apple Salad that I made Sunday. Why the small bowl? Well obviously because I've identified that I have a bit of an obsession a problem with over eating when it comes to salad. So, I finish my first bowl in an amount of time that is not your business fast. At which point, I decide that I am still hungry. And what better timing than to go on ahead and fill up to the point where it was about to spill over that same petite sour cream bowl with more Apple Salad. Although my consumption speed was slightly slower than the previous bowl, I'm pretty sure I cleaned both bowls out in about 8 minutes total. And yes, I'm pathetically serious. If pathetically isn't a word, it most certainly is now.
Step 2: My stomach begins to hurt. Just moments from taking the bowl into the kitchen to the sink. Perhaps I shouldn't have ate all that Apple Salad just now.
Step 3: Unfortunately because of the stomach issues, the bowl has yet to make it to the sink. Suprised? I didn't think so. Why does my stomach hurt? Well, quite possibly due to the fact that I just scarffed down entirely too much of the creamy-fruity-fluffy mixture. However... (and this is where the best part of defending myself comes in)... I deserve it! I mean, really? Why can't I have 2 extremely generous servings of Apple Salad? I run my kids everywhere, practices, shopping, etc (don't mention the fact that most of this is driving/sitting on my rear) ... it takes energy to get into the car and drive, right. And aside from that ... I did attend Zumba on Monday night. And I'm planning on jogging around the neighborhood on my lunch break today. So, doesn't that count? I mean, it's like a balanced budget... what comes in must go out - so i'm burning calories doing Zumba, potentially jogging around theneighborhood block, and running my kids to everywhere they need to go. But just like the government's balanced budget, there's no extra left over for saving... or in this case ... losing. So, whyyyy do I continue to wonder why I weigh as much as I do? Probably because I eat whatever I want and then justify it by working out no more (and quite possibly slightly less) than I ate in the first place.
Step 4: So, at this point, i remind myself that the more I weigh, the more of me there is to love.
...and that folks - is why I am so amused at people when they defend themselves.
One of my favorite things... ok, maybe it's not one of my favorite things, because I have many other things that are far more enjoyable than what i'm about to talk about - so let me restate...
I get a great deal of pleasure from watching myself and others go through the motions of 'defending' themselves. And this could be defending themselves against anything. So, keep your mind broad as you read through this.
It's almost as if it goes in slow motion.
I'm going to look at this from a very basic and broad perspective.
Step 1: Person A does something wrong or could have used better judgement.
Step 2: Person A realizes their wrong-doing/lack of judgement and/or Person B points out Person A's failure.
Step 3: Person A begins to rationalize in their head why they did whatever it was.
Step 4: Person A begins to state their case to either themselves or Person B.
I think I find it so wildly amusing because I am uber guilty of doing it... all the time. Let me give you an example from, well - about 15 minutes ago.
Step 1: I decided to eat a bowl of Apple Salad. I grabbed a small bowl (picture a small sour cream container that i've washed out) and proceeded to fill it
Step 2: My stomach begins to hurt. Just moments from taking the bowl into the kitchen to the sink. Perhaps I shouldn't have ate all that Apple Salad just now.
Step 3: Unfortunately because of the stomach issues, the bowl has yet to make it to the sink. Suprised? I didn't think so. Why does my stomach hurt? Well, quite possibly due to the fact that I just scarffed down entirely too much of the creamy-fruity-fluffy mixture. However... (and this is where the best part of defending myself comes in)... I deserve it! I mean, really? Why can't I have 2 extremely generous servings of Apple Salad? I run my kids everywhere, practices, shopping, etc (don't mention the fact that most of this is driving/sitting on my rear) ... it takes energy to get into the car and drive, right. And aside from that ... I did attend Zumba on Monday night. And I'm planning on jogging around the neighborhood on my lunch break today. So, doesn't that count? I mean, it's like a balanced budget... what comes in must go out - so i'm burning calories doing Zumba, potentially jogging around the
Step 4: So, at this point, i remind myself that the more I weigh, the more of me there is to love.
...and that folks - is why I am so amused at people when they defend themselves.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I was born to eat salad
I'm pretty sure the invention of 'salads' was quite possibly fueled by divine intervention and the fact that only God knew how much I was going to love salad.
Pasta Salad, Apple Salad, House Salad, Spinach Salad, Mixed Greens Salad, Potato Salad, Tomato and Mozarella Salad, Chicken Salad... the list can go on and on.
This girl LOVES her some salad.
No joke.
And you know, since we're being honest here, I'm going to go ahead and just proclaim that I love food.
There's nothing wrong with that, right?
...ah yes- the "there's more of me to love" excuse. I'm still sticking with it for now.
And I don't think it is anyone's business whether my actual weight matches the one listed on my driver's license. I dare you to tell me I don't weigh 130. HA!
At any rate, I'm currently sitting here stuffing my face with Apple Salad. Not Waldorf salad (no thank you!) ... but Apple Salad. I made it last night and have been salivating for it since then. Apples, Grapes, Marshmallows all mixed in freshly whipped Whipping Cream then refridgerated.
Can you say YUMMO?!
Well I just did.
Now, I went out to eat this weekend with the lover; where I had a tomato mozarella salad. Friggen Yum. I remember the first time I ate one of those, I can't remember where I was, but I remember thinking, "Oh wow, this is literally tomatoes and cheese. Ok.
So, when I saw it on the menu where we ate, I had to order it. And it was DELICIOUS. So much so, that I trotted my rear end to the grocery store to buy some tomatoes, mozzarella cheese and balsalmic vinegrette to make my own. And it was gooood!
Homemade potato salad is the BEST. I know it takes a great deal of effort to make, but if you love me, it's the least you can do, right? Ok, maybe not.
Hmm.. Chicken Salad. To be honest, I'm really upset with the whole Chicken Salad adoration right now because both Subway and McCallisters changed their Chicken Salad recipes and I severely dislike them. YUCK. Fruit does not belong in Chicken Salad. It just doesn't. And I'm sorry to offend you if you think it does.
But no.
So, now I am on a Chicken Salad "fast" of sorts that needs to end relatively soon. I was told to try GFS's Chicken Salad, but it's not very good :(. So, again - if you love me... find me a dang good chicken salad recipe... please?
Pasta Salad... nuff said. I think I'm italian at heart. I could eat pasta every day all day. I think the carb-coma would be well worth it.
Now, there are only certain kinds of dressings that I will eat depending on the lettuce/greens that are used in a house salad.
Stupid? probably. But just accept that I amobnoxiously very picky about certain things.
So, a house salad with like, Iceberg Lettuce requires French Dressing. Sometimes Ranch, depending on where we are. But never bottled Ranch, always homemade.
A mixed greens salad (the kind that looks like you're grazing in a field of multi-colored weeds)... should be served at about room temperature with a vinagrette dressing. Preferrably Rasberry Vinagrette but will accept Balsalmic Vinagrette in a pinch.
Pasta Salad should be served with an Italian/Oil based dressing, although I'm rarely picky about pasta salad.
Annnnd so that's it...
I love Salad!
Pasta Salad, Apple Salad, House Salad, Spinach Salad, Mixed Greens Salad, Potato Salad, Tomato and Mozarella Salad, Chicken Salad... the list can go on and on.
This girl LOVES her some salad.
No joke.
And you know, since we're being honest here, I'm going to go ahead and just proclaim that I love food.
There's nothing wrong with that, right?
...ah yes- the "there's more of me to love" excuse. I'm still sticking with it for now.
And I don't think it is anyone's business whether my actual weight matches the one listed on my driver's license. I dare you to tell me I don't weigh 130. HA!
At any rate, I'm currently sitting here stuffing my face with Apple Salad. Not Waldorf salad (no thank you!) ... but Apple Salad. I made it last night and have been salivating for it since then. Apples, Grapes, Marshmallows all mixed in freshly whipped Whipping Cream then refridgerated.
Can you say YUMMO?!
Well I just did.
Now, I went out to eat this weekend with the lover; where I had a tomato mozarella salad. Friggen Yum. I remember the first time I ate one of those, I can't remember where I was, but I remember thinking, "Oh wow, this is literally tomatoes and cheese. Ok.
So, when I saw it on the menu where we ate, I had to order it. And it was DELICIOUS. So much so, that I trotted my rear end to the grocery store to buy some tomatoes, mozzarella cheese and balsalmic vinegrette to make my own. And it was gooood!
Homemade potato salad is the BEST. I know it takes a great deal of effort to make, but if you love me, it's the least you can do, right? Ok, maybe not.
Hmm.. Chicken Salad. To be honest, I'm really upset with the whole Chicken Salad adoration right now because both Subway and McCallisters changed their Chicken Salad recipes and I severely dislike them. YUCK. Fruit does not belong in Chicken Salad. It just doesn't. And I'm sorry to offend you if you think it does.
But no.
So, now I am on a Chicken Salad "fast" of sorts that needs to end relatively soon. I was told to try GFS's Chicken Salad, but it's not very good :(. So, again - if you love me... find me a dang good chicken salad recipe... please?
Pasta Salad... nuff said. I think I'm italian at heart. I could eat pasta every day all day. I think the carb-coma would be well worth it.
Now, there are only certain kinds of dressings that I will eat depending on the lettuce/greens that are used in a house salad.
Stupid? probably. But just accept that I am
So, a house salad with like, Iceberg Lettuce requires French Dressing. Sometimes Ranch, depending on where we are. But never bottled Ranch, always homemade.
A mixed greens salad (the kind that looks like you're grazing in a field of multi-colored weeds)... should be served at about room temperature with a vinagrette dressing. Preferrably Rasberry Vinagrette but will accept Balsalmic Vinagrette in a pinch.
Pasta Salad should be served with an Italian/Oil based dressing, although I'm rarely picky about pasta salad.
Annnnd so that's it...
I love Salad!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
People Approval
Hi.
My name is Ginny.
And I suffer from People Approval Addiction.
What is People Approval Addiction?
It's an emotionally disgusting disease that can affect a person so deeply at their core, that before they know it, they are literally sick at the thought of someone not liking them and/or approving of them.
...and that's me.
I've reached a situation this past weekend where I have learned that someone very, very close to me does not approve of my dating situation. And honestly... it kills me.
Beacuse for years, I either didn't date or kept my dating life so completely private that it left people either guessing or feeling awkward to even ask. And that's just how it was.
I lived alone, took care of my kids, spent time with the secret special someone on the weekends that I didn't have my kids and went about my life extremely independently.
And apparently, everyone was really cool with the fact that I was doing it all on my own. Often feeling lonely and missing that piece of myself that can only be filled in by a significant other that loves me.
Now that I've openly begun dating someone from my past, a few people that are very close to me are openly dissatisfied with my choice and putting me in a really, really tough spot.
And it really sucks, for the inner People Approval Addict that I am.
Several months ago, I came to terms with the fact that I deserve to be happy. We all do. Not knowing what would come in my future, I made peace with the past and decided to focus on the windshield, not the rearview mirror.
And life went on.
Then someone special appeared in my life, for whatever reason. And we started hanging out and grew closer. And the spark that existed several years ago came back... and it felt comfortable.
But in the meantime, I have external forces openly objecting... which leaves me feeling like maybe I don't deserve to be happy.
My rational mind tells me that I have to do what makes me happy. And those that love and care for me will support me, regardless. That no one lasts forever and we don't know how short our lives may be, so why live a life for anyone other than ourselves (and our children, obviously)?
Why throw in the towel and surrender to the outside forces that don't live with you and don't live in your heart.
And really.... aren't there worse things I could be doing than openly dating someone from my past?
There are two issues here:
1.) After I started being open about my new special someone, my son's dad decided that he wanted to be with me. After all these years, he realizes how 'great' i am.
2.) He started telling everyone close to me how much he loves me.
The "given" reason for such disapproval of my situation is:
1.) The divorce is way too fresh... situation is just "not right".
2.) I act like I'm better than this person now that I'm dating him.
3.) Baby daddy loves me and my kids and is "trying".
So, he has several people (mind you, that are both close and not close to me) rallying for he and I to be together. And if you know me well at all, you will probably know that I decided a long time ago that he and I are just not meant to be together.
He's a great dad, I appreciate the love he shows our son (and even my daughter) however ... not where I need him to be from a life partner perspective. And I honestly don't mean that badly.
But just because he loves me and my kids... doesn't mean I love him the same way.
Make any sense?
It's all so trivial, and I think that's what makes me so mad.
It's like high school. You waited TEN YEARS to tell me how you feel and then I'm supposed to drop everything and run back to you, simply by default.
I don't think so.
There was a time in my life when I wanted to be with him. Not necessarily because it was him specifically that I loved, but more because I just wanted a family for my kids. Thankfully, it didn't work out that way. As I grew up and matured, I realized that he is not what I'm looking for in a spouse.
It ticks me off because it's like, I've done it on my own for this long, and now that I decide I want to be happy (whether it's with my special guy or another guy)... it just cannot be that simple.
It puts a wedge in my heart again, like many years ago where I want to revert back to the old private self. Tell nobody anything about my life so I can prevent the risk of people talking to eachother behind my back about me and my choices as well as situations like this right here... where their disapproval begins to eat away at me.. and make me want to give up on everything completely.
Other than feeling upset for ME being treated this way, I get really upset FOR my sweet guy, who did nothing to deserve this type of judgement and whom, if things did progress between us, would possibly be left feeling awkward when we are around this person/people. I would never want to do that to someone else and the fact that it's coming from people close to me, just breaks my heart, for him.
The only 'sound' advice I can give myself regarding this situation is that I am 31 years old. I am a woman, a mother, a daughter, a grand-daughter, a sister, a cousin, a friend and an employee. I am capable of making decisions for my own life that bear good consequences and bad consequences. And I'm the only one that has to live with those consequences.
If people don't want to support my current decision, as long as its not harming my children... then they can just not be involved in my life.
If only it were that simple.
My name is Ginny.
And I suffer from People Approval Addiction.
What is People Approval Addiction?
It's an emotionally disgusting disease that can affect a person so deeply at their core, that before they know it, they are literally sick at the thought of someone not liking them and/or approving of them.
...and that's me.
I've reached a situation this past weekend where I have learned that someone very, very close to me does not approve of my dating situation. And honestly... it kills me.
Beacuse for years, I either didn't date or kept my dating life so completely private that it left people either guessing or feeling awkward to even ask. And that's just how it was.
I lived alone, took care of my kids, spent time with the secret special someone on the weekends that I didn't have my kids and went about my life extremely independently.
And apparently, everyone was really cool with the fact that I was doing it all on my own. Often feeling lonely and missing that piece of myself that can only be filled in by a significant other that loves me.
Now that I've openly begun dating someone from my past, a few people that are very close to me are openly dissatisfied with my choice and putting me in a really, really tough spot.
And it really sucks, for the inner People Approval Addict that I am.
Several months ago, I came to terms with the fact that I deserve to be happy. We all do. Not knowing what would come in my future, I made peace with the past and decided to focus on the windshield, not the rearview mirror.
And life went on.
Then someone special appeared in my life, for whatever reason. And we started hanging out and grew closer. And the spark that existed several years ago came back... and it felt comfortable.
But in the meantime, I have external forces openly objecting... which leaves me feeling like maybe I don't deserve to be happy.
My rational mind tells me that I have to do what makes me happy. And those that love and care for me will support me, regardless. That no one lasts forever and we don't know how short our lives may be, so why live a life for anyone other than ourselves (and our children, obviously)?
Why throw in the towel and surrender to the outside forces that don't live with you and don't live in your heart.
And really.... aren't there worse things I could be doing than openly dating someone from my past?
There are two issues here:
1.) After I started being open about my new special someone, my son's dad decided that he wanted to be with me. After all these years, he realizes how 'great' i am.
2.) He started telling everyone close to me how much he loves me.
The "given" reason for such disapproval of my situation is:
1.) The divorce is way too fresh... situation is just "not right".
2.) I act like I'm better than this person now that I'm dating him.
3.) Baby daddy loves me and my kids and is "trying".
So, he has several people (mind you, that are both close and not close to me) rallying for he and I to be together. And if you know me well at all, you will probably know that I decided a long time ago that he and I are just not meant to be together.
He's a great dad, I appreciate the love he shows our son (and even my daughter) however ... not where I need him to be from a life partner perspective. And I honestly don't mean that badly.
But just because he loves me and my kids... doesn't mean I love him the same way.
Make any sense?
It's all so trivial, and I think that's what makes me so mad.
It's like high school. You waited TEN YEARS to tell me how you feel and then I'm supposed to drop everything and run back to you, simply by default.
I don't think so.
There was a time in my life when I wanted to be with him. Not necessarily because it was him specifically that I loved, but more because I just wanted a family for my kids. Thankfully, it didn't work out that way. As I grew up and matured, I realized that he is not what I'm looking for in a spouse.
It ticks me off because it's like, I've done it on my own for this long, and now that I decide I want to be happy (whether it's with my special guy or another guy)... it just cannot be that simple.
It puts a wedge in my heart again, like many years ago where I want to revert back to the old private self. Tell nobody anything about my life so I can prevent the risk of people talking to eachother behind my back about me and my choices as well as situations like this right here... where their disapproval begins to eat away at me.. and make me want to give up on everything completely.
Other than feeling upset for ME being treated this way, I get really upset FOR my sweet guy, who did nothing to deserve this type of judgement and whom, if things did progress between us, would possibly be left feeling awkward when we are around this person/people. I would never want to do that to someone else and the fact that it's coming from people close to me, just breaks my heart, for him.
The only 'sound' advice I can give myself regarding this situation is that I am 31 years old. I am a woman, a mother, a daughter, a grand-daughter, a sister, a cousin, a friend and an employee. I am capable of making decisions for my own life that bear good consequences and bad consequences. And I'm the only one that has to live with those consequences.
If people don't want to support my current decision, as long as its not harming my children... then they can just not be involved in my life.
If only it were that simple.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
The New Couch
In a somewhat bi-polar fashion, I have to admit - I'm already over the whole old couch thing.
The minute my new couch arrived, I was in love.
In fact, I fought the urge to work from my new couch today. And only decided against it beause it might become an addicition. And I certainly don't want to wear a hole in my new couch.
I know that material posessions shoudln't make us happy, but in this case, I need to step out of my norm and say that this new furniture makes me super happy.
In addition to my children, my job, etc here are some other random things that currently make me happy:
1.) A good haircut
2.) Homemade macaroni and cheese
3.) Get togethers with friends (hello - 80's ladies!)
4.) Stupid reality TV shows.
5.) Cuddling (yea, the girl that hates to be touched is saying that)
I'll give you a moment to catch your breath after that one.
6.) My bed when it's made... with all the pillows on it.
7.) Richly painted wall colors.
8.) A long talk about anything serious.
9.) Fine point pens.
10.) Newborn babies.
11.) Swiss Brand Diet Sweet Tea
12.) My special guy.
13.) Traveling
14.) A fire in my fireplace or outside, like a bonfire.
15.) Flannel Friggen Sheets.
16.) The rear-wiper moving back and forth on the back window of my car.
17.) Dog noses.
18.) Pedicures
19.) Bike rides
20.) Crisp evening walks.
And that's it.
The minute my new couch arrived, I was in love.
In fact, I fought the urge to work from my new couch today. And only decided against it beause it might become an addicition. And I certainly don't want to wear a hole in my new couch.
I know that material posessions shoudln't make us happy, but in this case, I need to step out of my norm and say that this new furniture makes me super happy.
In addition to my children, my job, etc here are some other random things that currently make me happy:
1.) A good haircut
2.) Homemade macaroni and cheese
3.) Get togethers with friends (hello - 80's ladies!)
4.) Stupid reality TV shows.
5.) Cuddling (yea, the girl that hates to be touched is saying that)
I'll give you a moment to catch your breath after that one.
6.) My bed when it's made... with all the pillows on it.
7.) Richly painted wall colors.
8.) A long talk about anything serious.
9.) Fine point pens.
10.) Newborn babies.
11.) Swiss Brand Diet Sweet Tea
12.) My special guy.
13.) Traveling
14.) A fire in my fireplace or outside, like a bonfire.
15.) Flannel Friggen Sheets.
16.) The rear-wiper moving back and forth on the back window of my car.
17.) Dog noses.
18.) Pedicures
19.) Bike rides
20.) Crisp evening walks.
And that's it.
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Couch
Dear Sweet Family Room Couch,
You tattered, stained and smelly old couch.
I love you.
You were my first piece of brand new furniture back in late 1999.
Yes, you are that old. I know you don't feel like it because you've been kept young with good company, but you are from the 20th century.
I think you started out a light cream color. But now, you've turned to grey.
I suppose that's how we as humans are too. We start out so perfect and then turn grey with age.
Look at all you've been through... in September of 2000, you comforted my body as I lay with my newborn baby boy.
In early 2001, you graciously let me remove your back cushions to allow me to sit my sweet boy in the corner of your armrest and back to support him as he learned to sit up.
As the years went on, you were so patient as he jumped around as if you were a trampoline.... and despite your desire for modesty, allowed him to remove all of the cushions numerous times to make a fort out of you.
You've had countless sippy cups spilled on you, crumbs from crackers and sandwiches scattered in your crevices, and a disgusting amount of germs from illness and everything else.
In 2004, you were a cozy bed to lay on during my maternity leave with Bekah.
and the process began again... bottles, sippy cups, crackers, etc.
At some point, you had to sigh a bit of relief as the kids got older. Don't worry sweet couch, I did too.
You've moved with me when I bought my first home.
and even though it took a near-miracle to get you through the doorway, you made it. And have called my family room 'home' for almost 3 years now.
So, I think it goes without saying that our separation is bittersweet for me. On Tuesday, my new furniture will arrive.
And you will be gone.
I know you're old, and tired and ready for a rest.
But to make the transition easier on both of us, I won't make the effort at cleaning out your cushions. Perhaps it will be my gift to you. I'll let you keep your modesty by not removing all your cushions and viciously sucking all the crap out of your crevices.... and you can consider it my gift of memories.
...or maybe my laziness.
Either way... you keep the crumbs and I'll keep the memories.
Thanks again for over a decade of comfort... in more ways than one.
You tattered, stained and smelly old couch.
I love you.
You were my first piece of brand new furniture back in late 1999.
Yes, you are that old. I know you don't feel like it because you've been kept young with good company, but you are from the 20th century.
I think you started out a light cream color. But now, you've turned to grey.
I suppose that's how we as humans are too. We start out so perfect and then turn grey with age.
Look at all you've been through... in September of 2000, you comforted my body as I lay with my newborn baby boy.
In early 2001, you graciously let me remove your back cushions to allow me to sit my sweet boy in the corner of your armrest and back to support him as he learned to sit up.
As the years went on, you were so patient as he jumped around as if you were a trampoline.... and despite your desire for modesty, allowed him to remove all of the cushions numerous times to make a fort out of you.
You've had countless sippy cups spilled on you, crumbs from crackers and sandwiches scattered in your crevices, and a disgusting amount of germs from illness and everything else.
In 2004, you were a cozy bed to lay on during my maternity leave with Bekah.
and the process began again... bottles, sippy cups, crackers, etc.
At some point, you had to sigh a bit of relief as the kids got older. Don't worry sweet couch, I did too.
You've moved with me when I bought my first home.
and even though it took a near-miracle to get you through the doorway, you made it. And have called my family room 'home' for almost 3 years now.
So, I think it goes without saying that our separation is bittersweet for me. On Tuesday, my new furniture will arrive.
And you will be gone.
I know you're old, and tired and ready for a rest.
But to make the transition easier on both of us, I won't make the effort at cleaning out your cushions. Perhaps it will be my gift to you. I'll let you keep your modesty by not removing all your cushions and viciously sucking all the crap out of your crevices.... and you can consider it my gift of memories.
...or maybe my laziness.
Either way... you keep the crumbs and I'll keep the memories.
Thanks again for over a decade of comfort... in more ways than one.
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