Colors in the Sky

My hands were gripped on the wheel of my Pontiac, drivng down a familiar road at about 7:15 in the morning.

The sky was absolutely gorgeous.  Painted in colors of yellow, pink and a few scattered clouds among the rays shining off the sun. 

There's just something about a sunrise and a sunset that reaches deep into me and pulls out all kinds of reflective feelings.

I started thinking about Grace.  And about how everyday is a clean slate.  A new chance to make a new day.  A fresh opportunity for good things to happen.  I was thinking about how we can go from being the most happy, thankful, joyous people and within minutes, a storm blows in and we are overcome by negativity, hurt, pain and sadness.

I've had my fair share of times like that, and in retrospect, am so thankful for those times of darkness because I feel like I wouldn't be able to empathize and support people in certain situations without those scars.

I have two sweet people in my life right now with totally opposite circumstances, but my heart hurts for both of them.

One sweet, sweet friend is battling infertility.  And it's rocking her to the core.  She's questioning everything from her body, her Faith, morals and at times her marriage because of the stress of infertility and all that goes along with it.  I can't imagine what that storm must feel like for her, as a woman. 

I struggle at times with knowing what to say to people with infertility issues because of the guilt of the fact that my children came by accident and negligence on my part and were born into homes that weren't ideal.

But then, I see children born into environments that are equally as unhealthy.... with parents that fight, set bad examples, take them for granted or put their own wants and needs ahead of their sweet children.

Then, I remind myself of how good my kids really have it. 

They have the love of both of their parents and God.  What more could they need?

I have another friend that struggled with getting pregnant with her first child 11 years ago.  Then, had another.  Her marriage was ok but finally ended after about 7 years.  She's dated a few guys since she's been divorced and was engaged to be married again.

Long story short, she's expecting again.  Completely by surprise and in total shock and disbelief.

And oh, how I feel her pain.  I know what it feels like to be so upset at yourself for 'allowing' it to happen.  And on top of it, she and her fiance' have broken things off and she's back on her own.

Some may look at her situation and say, "well - she did it to herself!"

And maybe that's the truth, but aren't we, as friends called to support those people anyway?  So, that's what I've been doing with her.  And it's been hard at times, because I can literally feel her pain with the legal aspect... talking to attorneys about a little person that isn't even born yet.  Worrying how in the world you're going to make it financially, etc.

But I stand by what I said when she told me she was pregnant....

"I won't tell you Congratulations, because I know you don't want to hear that.  So, I will just say... it all works out in the end.  Hang in there."

Because it's true... in retrospect, doesn't it all work out in the end?

Isn't everything all part of a bigger plan anyway?  Some may argue in the belief of a higher power, and I can certainly understand people's right to question that 'being' - however I choose to believe.  And I believe that absolutely everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes there are storms.

Have you ever watched the radar as a bad storm is approaching?  We sit, for minutes, maybe hours - watching the radar, then stepping outside to look at the skies as they darken.  The wind begins to blow and we take cover.

In the middle of the storm, do we ever look at the sky behind us?  The sky that was replaced by the storm?  Those fluffy white clouds thta seem to just float freely without care?  The sun that shines on our face and brings children into the street to laugh and play like there are not cares in the world.

Never.

We're always looking at that storm that is approaching.  Then, as it hits us.... we are consumed by it.  Praying that it will pass quickly.  Praying that it won't affect our families and friends.

And then it passes.

You step outside to the smell of fresh rain and a cool breeze that feels so good brushing through your hair.... and then you see...

that rainbow.

The sweet colors of Roy G. Biv traveling behind that massive storm like a caboose on a train.  An arch of colors that  could only be painted by sun rays and dark skies.

If only we could think about the beauty of a rainbow during the storm.

If we trusted that good things would come after the storm passes, would we weather the storm differently?

Sometimes we get so caught up in looking in the direction of the dark clouds, that we forget to look at all that lies around us.  All the rainbows that have been painted in our lives as a result of a storm.

...and all the rainbows that are yet to come.


I know that in time, for all the friends in my life that are in the middle of a storm ... it will pass.  And their skies will be painted with rainbows soon.

And for those of my friends that are currently experiencing the effects of a great rainbow... storms will come.  But we must remember to be mindful of the goodness we have right now and anticipate the colors in the sky that will appear after every storm in our lives.

Addiction

I may or may not have an addiction to birthday cake.

Ok, so it's a serious addiciton.

Nonetheless, I do love birthday cake.  And just like the only child that I was raised, it can't be just any birthday cake...  it has to be one from a bakery with wedding cake-style icing.  You know, the kind that gets kinda hard on the outside layer after a couple of days.

mmmmmmm.  (Salivating yet?)

So, you know, I'm not going to lie about it.  When I went to the bakery to get my favorite little man's birthday cake this weekend I resisted the urge to purchase a full sheet cake at $89.99 for myself his party... with the intention of eating the left overs all by myself.  But then I reminded myself about the whole "if you eat an entire cake, you'll have to buy new blue jeans" and "if you eat too much left over cake, you'll have to widen all the doorways in your house to accomodate your hind quarters" and "oh, there's that whole clogged artery thing".

...but none of that stopped me from grazing on a very generous sized piece of left-over birthday cake this morning for breakfast.

Gross?  Not at the time.

But now, an hour later when it's just sitting on my waistline begging me to ask forgiveness?

Yea.  Not so cool.

But the good news is, Zumba is tonight and I can waddle my cake-eating bootie into that big room like I own the place and burn some of these calories.



The birthday party was so much fun!  If you've never taken your sons (or even yourself if you feel inclined) to play Laser tag, I strongly urge you to do so.  It was so much fun!  I played one game with the boys and, despite the fact that I wanted to pounce on a few kids that just stood there and shot me, it was a good time. 

Toward the end of the game, I finally caught on to the strategy that some of the other teams were using and realized that it might have been more fun if I wouldn't have been running around the place like a wild banshee trying to take down all the kids in one strike.

Yea, I was "that person".

I'm so embarrassed.

But whatever.  I mean, isn't that how I roll most of the time?

Case in point, the leaf blower and panda ears combo picture of me on facebook.  Clearly, there is a limited amount of shame "in my game".

After the Laser Tag experience, a Hummer Limo suprised my unsuspecting son and 10 of his friends with a ride back to the Pendleton Pizza Hut where we partied a little bit more, ate pizza and open gifts.

Oh, and we had cake.

Did I really need to mention that though? 

Step 2

As many of you know, I've been working on building my relationship with my biological father over the past few years, with a greater amount of purpose and force in the recent year or so. 

To say that mending an unhealthy relationship that really never existed has been awkward would be an understatement, however I am cognizant of the fact that this has been a necessary experience that would end up sponsoring a great deal of internal growth.

Through the rollercoaster that this has been, I have learned that ignorance can breed negativity.  When I was younger, I don't think I had the capacity to view things in any other way than the way that I'd been influenced to believe.  As I grew up, had my own children, hardships and experience - I learned very quickly that ignorance goes hand in hand with naivity, in that with both - you don't really know as much as you think you do....and it can be fatal.

And that tended to be the case when it came to the issues within the father/daughter relationship that I didn't have with my real dad.  The more I learned about him and the circumstances surrounding my birth and childhood, the more I formed my own opinions.  In a sense, I offered my close "friends" (anger, resentment, hurt, and despair) a chance to retire from their duties of 'taking up way too much space in my heart'.

Their retirement was brutal at times, because those feelings were so comfortable.  It was easy to be mad.  To hate. To feel sorry for myself and my situation.  

However it gave me a chance to meet some new 'pals' that quickly took over the mess that was my heart and began mending the pieces. You may know them as "forgiveness, grace, logic, humility, acceptance and trust."

Amazing how the 4 friends I hung on to for so long (anger, resentment, hurt and despair) were replaced by 6 new pals (forgiveness, grace, logic, humility, acceptance and trust) ... but yet they feel so much less bulky.  A much more comfortable fit.  And easier to live with.

I would have to say "acceptance" is the hardest one to hang out with.

Accepting someone for who they are, is very, very tough at times.  I've had to accept that my biological dad will never be the prototype that we all expect our dads to be. I have had to learn to accept that, his heartfelt apology and humility in admitting some of the biggest decisions he ever made in my life caused me a great deal of suffering ... is the definition of love.

At its purest form.

Everything that comes after that is just an outward act of love.  And maybe his way of showing love and my way of showing love are two different things. 

I can't fault him for that.

"Just because I don't love you the way you think I should, doesn't mean I'm not loving you with all that I have."

Doesn't that sing so true?

Have you ever wished someone would love you in a different way?

Have you ever loved someone the best you knew how, and they rejected you?

I've accepted that he will never be the type of dad that I could call up, crying and give me some good solid advice that I need.

...but it doesn't mean that he wouldn't try.



He called me last week to tell me about some issues with his health.  I remembered last night that he had an appointment with his heart surgeon on Thursday and that he was very scared of going.  I texted him to ask what time his appointment was and he said 1pm.  He said in the text back that he wished I could go with him.

He was reaching out, asking me to be there for him.... like a daughter should.

And if I truly reside with my pals; forgivness, grace and acceptance... there should be NOTHING that would stand in my way of being there for my 'dad' when he is scared.  I knew at that moment that I had to go.

So, I moved a couple of calls around and headed to Indy.  I knew it would be a little awkward, because healthcare is a very private part of one's life to share.... and i'd never really spent any time with him one-on-one.  So, I handled the situation with care. 

When I arrived, I saw him in the waiting room and he gave me a big hug and thanked me for coming. I felt my muscles clinch tightly as he hugged me, as if to say, "stay numb.  If your relationship with him doesn't work out, you don't want to feel the pain again." 

I told him I was happy to be there with him and had a seat.

When the nurse called us back, I could tell he was very nervous.  Nervous about his health.  Nervous about the fact that, no matter how much he says "you're my daughter just like the other girls" and "i love you just as much as the other girls".... it's so much different when you're face to face with someone that you let down, tremendously - yet they are there with open arms and an open heart full of Grace.

If only he knew.

I haven't had very many meaningful conversations with the man; but the words we exchanged for the twenty to thirty minutes we were waiting on the doctor to come in were so pure.

So vulnerable.

So Real.

So  Invested.

and So, so Needed.

I needed to see that he was a real person.  Not someone who told me what I would want to hear, after all these years.

He talked about how scared he was that he was going to die.  How this heart condition has really changed his perspective on life.  How he pictured Jesus looking.  How he still has a lot to learn about me.

I learned a lot about him at the appointment today.... but above all - I learned to live without regrets.

Because they haunt you.

You can't change the decisions you made in the past.  Those are done.  Completed.  Ready to be put away.

But you can change the way you make decisions today.  That change though, comes at the cost of a great deal of effort.  And effort isn't something that's easy to apply to every-day situations and habits.  Effort is a lot of work; but yields an enormous amount of results.

I sat alone in an 8x8 room today across from a man who gave me life...

...but wasn't a part of it.

A man who suffers hearing loss from gunfire and military equipment...

....but has a weak spirit.

A guy who didn't realize how fragile the hearts of others were...

...until he began to suffer from Ventricular Tachycardia.

A man who loves Jesus...

...but fears death.

A Father who lives with a great deal of regret for his actions and choices...

....and receives love and forgiveness from the daughter he didn't want.

A man who feels he has no dignity...

...but doesn't realize that opportunity is always knocking and second chances await him.



Isn't that what life is all about? 

Making the best of the 'now'? 

Saying that you should live without regrets is so cliche'.  Even for me, the queen of inspirational quotes and motivational speeches.  However, the key to living without regrets, in my opinion - is making the best of right now.

I had a choice to make today.

I could've stayed home where it was comfortable, doing the same tasks day-in and day-out.  It wouldn't have hurt anyone and I wouldn't have had to exert any effort.

However, I chose to be uncomfortable.  I took 5 pages of notes at a cardiologists office about a man I don't really know that well.  I learned a great deal about his femoral vein, the lower chambers of his heart, the electrical exchange in his valves and arteries, EKG's, electrophysiology testing, etc.

But what I hope above all is that he learned alot about my heart today too.

Uncomfortable

I wonder....

What if we were given the opportunity to have something really great, but we had to endure some sort of struggle, conflict or uncomfortable circumstance in order to get to the 'reward' that awaits us?

Let's use a simple example of what I'm saying to illustrate my point.

What if life were completely comfortable.  Some days were better than others, but nothing less than ordinary nor unexpected.  For the most part, you have no complaints... and have a great deal to be thankful for.

Then, all of a sudden...  someone tells you that being comfortable doesn't always equate to true happiness and that there's something really great ahead.  Now that something great can be anything you want to imagine it to be.  Maybe it's self-identification... or maybe  a goal you've been waiting to obtain.... or even someone that will treat you the way that you've always wanted to be treated.

The catch?

You're going to be uncomfortable for a while.

Why?

Because in order to appreciate the reward that lies ahead, you're going to have to go through some struggle or uncomfortability. 

Would you opt to stay in a comfortable situation to avoid the vulnerability and transformation that comes with situations that are uncomfortable?

Would you choose to refuse the opportunity to have something great, at the cost of a fragment of your time being spent 'suffering'?


Comfortability is such a delicate subject.  We are creatures of habit. People of routine. We depend on stability to drive satisfaction. When the reality is, what if something greater lies ahead?

We become stuck in between a rock and a hardplace, resisting the grips of fate that are, perhaps pulling us in the direction of something greater for the familiarity of that which is comfortable.

I think if we were all honest with eachother for a second, we could agree that the majority of the time, the things for which we are most thankful -only occurred through a time of change that perhaps, we even fought.

My point is-

for those of you enduring a 'turning point' in your life - hang in there.

The best is yet to come.  No matter how uncomfortable things are in this moment .... we must remember that it is just that... a 'moment' in time.  A small piece of our lives that is necessary to mold us into the person we are supposed to be for the next chapter in our lives.

I know in my own life, that if it weren't for some of the bruises, scars and badges of honor from my past - I would take a great deal of what I have for granted. 

So, I challenge you this week to 'own' your attitude.  Every day we have the opportunity to start fresh.  To break free from the chains that bind us to comfortability and relish in the exposure that being uncomfortable brings....  because if you surrender to the fight, too early in the game....

you just might lose out on something even greater than you can imagine.

The Weekend

The kids and I enjoyed Labor Day weekend in Michigan on Lake Palmer with my friend Amanda and her entire family.  Because I came from a very small family, I always enjoy the family dynamic of other families... especially when they spend time together doing things that have become a tradition for them.

I had to take pictures early Saturday morning down on the canal, so the kids and I didn't leave until the afternoon, but after only about a 2 and a half hour drive, we arrived at Mandy's grandma's house, which was right on the lake. 

We all packed in the house with about 7 other family members and enjoyed the next two days together.  Her grandma cooked us wonderful meals every day and we spent a great deal of time out on the lake.  Although it was a bit cold, the water was very warm - so the kids were in heaven!

I took my kids out on the jetski for a little while and they LOVED it.  Funny how motherhood changes our sense of adventure.  Many years ago, I would've driven the jet ski at full blast, coasting across the 'waves' like it was nothing. 

...two kids in tow holding on to my life jacket, and I drove like an old granny.  I'm not going to lie.  But the kids had so much fun and I really enjoyed doing that together as well.  It made me so happy to hear their giggles behind me as I drove the jet ski across the lake.

It really puts life into perspective.

I could've been doing anything this weekend, but I spent it creating some really cool memories with the kids - and probably something they'll remember forever.  One of those memories where, one day - many years from now, they'll tell their kids about the time "grandma took them for a ride on the jetski."  I know that's like 237489237 years away, but I want my kids to grow up with fond memories of time with me, doing simple things that allow them to experience more than just our normal home surroundings.

The kids and I stood off the edge of the dock one night and tried to catch a few fish.  Wouldn't you know, Bek's Cinderella fishing pole hit the water and caught a little blue gill fish right off the bat.  She was so excited!  And rightfully so - she did it on her own.

I mean... who am I kidding?  I didn't help her bait her own hook :) 

We ended up getting home Monday afternoon around 1ish and I spent the afternoon in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt doing yard work.  Since Chas has become a lawn mowing extraordinaire, I haven't been able to mow for a while, so I took over that job while he cut a tree limb out of our tree.

The fact that it didn't need to be cut out pales in comparison to the manly-ness he felt doing it.  So I let him.  One limb won't hurt anything, right?  Remember the Paul Bunyon story from a few years ago at the old apartment. 

Yea.  He's experienced.

I got my shrubs trimmed up around the house and did the weed eating around the edging .... the best I could.  Which is a far cry from looking good - but ya know.  Whatever.  I did my best.

I'm so ready for bonfires, smores, chili-dinner, and warm gatherings with friends.    Often times, it seems we get so busy with life, we don't slow down to enjoy time with eachother near enough.  Come on fall!!

Coincidence and Marketing

Odd title for a post?

Probably. 

But it goes without saying that I've been a bit frustrated with Blogger for a couple of days.  I wrote out this long post about some stuff that's been going on and a bit more about how things are going with my special someone, but just as I pressed the button to publish the post, the internet errored out.  So, I went into my drafts and it had only saved the first couple of lines.

Coincidence?  Not at all.

No matter how frustrated i was at the time, I decided to let it go because to me, there's no such thing as coincidence and perhaps my post didn't need to be published.

I'll summarize by saying that my son is having some struggles with me openly dating.  It's definitely nothing personal, just his reaction to "change" ... and I think we all struggle with change from time to time.

This is the same beloved child that told me today that I have a "muffin top" ... but that it's not "as bad" as some other people.

Gee thanks, kid.

Nonetheless,contrary to what I probably would've done in the past, I will say that love (yes, i dropped an L bomb) is worth fighting for, and I'm going to hang in there and know that 'if' our relationship progresses in the future (fingers crossed!) and we are able to make it through this hurdle together, we'll be capable of making it through many other things as well.

I know, I'm sure you're all thinking, "what?  she's gonna show up at a function sometime with a significant other?!?!?"  Don't pee your pants 80's ladies ... it just might happen, someday. 

Who knows.

In other news, I'm taking two more classes this semester toward the infamous degree.  Macroeconomics and Marketing.

I'm a total nerd when it comes to Econ.  Love Love Love it.  I actually understand it quite easily and enjoy learning about it.  Not sure what line of work there is for an Economist, but it's a thought.  HA!

Now, my marketing class - these types of classes intrigue me, mostly because it has a creative side that allows me to use logic and reasoning as well as creativity, which is a win-win for me!  I had to write a Social Responsibility Assessment for any company that I wanted.  I struggled at first, but finally found a really good company that I could write about with some ethical marketing strategies that left me wanting to boycott ther products.

Stupid, i know - because seriously, how much of an impact am I going to make?  But I felt like I needed to tell you all about this 'find'.  Nerdy?  Yes.

So, Unilever is the company that makes Axe and Dove products. Dove's marketing approach is about promoting women's natural beauty and helping them understand that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.  They've even gone so far as to create a Campaign for young girls about self-esteem.  A few years ago, they produced a commercial with a young freckle-faced girl, watching a television with constant looping ads of women in commercials.  Everything from Victoria's Secret to anti-wrinkle cream commercials.  The tag line at the end was, "Talk to your daughter before the beauty industry does."

This coming from the same company that produces the Axe line of personal hygiene products for young men.  Their marketing tag line for Axe is, "The cleaner you are, the dirtier you'll get."  Their commercials show scantily clad ladies waltzing around men, touching, lusting, etc after attractive Axe-wearing men.

I took it upon my self to check my son's shower for his bottles of Axe, just to read the back labels. 

...i mean, aren't we all guilty of reading the shampoo bottle in the shower every now and then?

One of his bottles informed me that if he uses said product, it will leave all of the girls resisting the urge to touch him.

The other said that since we all know girls love teddy bears and puppies.  It went on to say that using this conditioner would leave girls wanting to touch something else soft.... your hair.

Really!?!?!

The very company that is talking about how women need to have high self-esteem and self-image, is marketing products to men that leave them with the urge to "do as animals do and mate."

No thanks.

Although I am done having children, I do really like babies and understand that my next 'baby' will be a grandchild... however... I am not interested in my son mating, pollenating or doing his part to increase the world population....

..until he is at least 50.  :)


Needless to say, we'll be switching to Axe's compaetitor.... Old Spice Swagger.

Rock on.

If you could wake up anywhere...

....where would it be?

I was reading a blogpost where they asked a bunch of people in a city the same question, "If you could wake up anywhere, where would it be?"

It was interesting to hear the perspectives of different people of all ages, races and backgrounds.  But even more interesting to think about what my own answer to that would be.

Alot of places I'd want to wake up have been going through my head since I read the original question, but I've arrived at the two places I think I'd want to wake up, if given the chance.  I can't decide on either as my number one place I'd like to wake up, mostly because they are vastly different and have a great deal of importance to me either way.


One of the places I'd like to fall asleep and wake up again is in the hospital after I had both of my kids.  I don't want to wake up here as a do-over of sorts where I get the opportunity to do everything differently, but rather an opportunity to "coach" myself on the little things that I may have overlooked at the time.

If I woke up on September 11th, 2000 in the delivery room at Community Hospital in Anderson, I'd tell myself that:

-It was worth the wait in not finding out ahead of time that you were having a little boy.  Remember that moment when, after 45 minutes of pushing and vacuum extraction, you heard, "It's a boy"?  Relish in that moment.  You'll never forget it.

-All the people in the waiting room waiting to meet your little boy are the people that will love you forever.  They are the ones that supported you throughout your pregnancy and those that will be your biggest fans.  They're here to support you as you transition from a woman to a mother.  Let them.

-When you leave the hospital without your son because he needed extra care, enjoy the sleep.  Don't cry because you miss him.  You'll have the rest of your life with him.  The separation is only temporary.  And yes, it's ok to love him "that much."

-Someday, that little boy will start 5th grade.  He'll wave goodbye as he gets on the bus and never look back.  For now, hold him for as long as you want.  In less than a decade his snuggles will be a gift.

-Don't work so much.  Money is just money.  It doesn't make you happy nor solve any problems.  Be there to enjoy your little boy when he's little.  These moments will fade into memories far too soon.

-Give him the best life you can.  He'll never know any different.




If I woke up on February 5th, 2004 in the delivery room at Community Hospital in Anderson, I'd tell myself that:

-Finding out ahead of time that the sweet baby you're waiting on is going to be a little girl was probably the best decision you could've made to get through the pregnancy.  Spending many months bonding with "her" instead of "it" will create a special bond that few others will understand.

-Even though it seems like things are tough now, it will all pass.

-Don't be too proud to ask for help.  If things are tough, reach out.  You may think you can do it alone, but allowing people the opportunity to help will build bonds that you cannot even fathom.

-Stop praying for time to pass.  Someday all this time will pass and you'll wonder what happened to your baby girl.  Enjoy every single moment.  These are the days that will build your character and your strength.  You have no idea how strong you'll be as a result of these moments.

-Take more pictures.  Write down more milestones.  I know you're busy with two kids, but please, for your daughter, document her life in the same way you documented your son's. 

-Thank the friends that support and help you.  And be grateful for a job that you can come back to.

-I know it's somewhat embarrassing and taxing, but laugh about pumping breastmilk at work for 13 months.  Sitting in the "milk and cookie" room at work pumping 3 times a day will amuse you someday.  And most likely, it'll also amuse the people that sit around you at work too.  You're doing the best thing for your daughter; regardless of how inconvenient.  No one has to know you can't afford formula.

-No matter how annoying at times, value the bond between you and your daughter.  There is nothing in the world like it.  Never has been, never will be.  If you want to be different than you and your mom, don't close off the emotional bond that your little girl is building with you.  You're all she's got.  Someday, she'll be a mom too.  And she'll practice everything she learned from you.



**********

The other place I think I'd like to wake up is....
...in the arms of the man that was meant for me.

Many years ago, I didn't understand love like I do now.  I was too busy trying to figure out how to love my children the best I could while juggling many other things in my life and now that they are half grown...I understand the importance of companionship.  A person to be my best friend.  Love me and my kids no matter what and be able to enjoy time alone with.

Waking up alone in my bed for the past 9 or 10 years is getting old.  I'm not saying i'm on a mission to find my future husband, steal him up and marry him.... but I'm just saying that after waiting this long, I can't wait to feel that piece of my heart filled in.

I wouldn't change anything, honestly.  I know that's cliche', but there is no way I would've even began to have known how to be a good wife without the issues and struggles in my past.  Without learning from every relationship that I've been in how to compromise, how to work together and most importantly how to honor my husband.

I know there will always be issues and I most certainly won't be the perfect wife (i know, huge surprise to many of you since i'm so friggen awesome, hahah!)  But in all seriousness, I've got this mom thing under control (well, at least I think I do.  Definitely not the best, but I do alright)... I cannot wait to take care of my husband like I've taken care of my children.

So, remind me... in 20 years when i'm (dear God, please let's pray that i'm married by then) an old married bat complaining about my husband, will you please remind me about this time in my life when I couldn't wait to meet him, shower him with affection and wake up next to him everyday for the rest of my life?!

So yea, either way I want to wake up with a baby in my arms.  Whether it be two little babies that i birthed or one big baby that i married.

That's where i wanna wake up.  :)