Sailing

I've never lost anyone close to me before, so this whole experience with my Grandma passing has been a learning experience.  One that, I would prefer to not have to 'learn' about, but the reality is, many people don't have their Grandparents, so for me to still have both of mine for 31 years, is a blessing... for sure.

I knew it would be difficult for me to deal with, but I've been doing ok.  I have my days - this morning was one of them - where I realize the reality of her passing.  And that's tough.

But my sweet Bekah is really struggling with it.

She's very emotional, soft hearted and caring to begin with.  Add the fact that she's too young to really understand death and grieving, and it's been quite a challenge for me.  Both fortunately and unfortunately, because I had never had anyone of significance in my life pass away before now, I don't have any kind of an example to follow on how my parents did or did not handle this situation.

So, as with many things in life... I trudge through the best I can.

If you know me very well, you probably know that I think through most things, entirely too much.  In some instances, I am clearly a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of person.  But in other situations, especially when it comes to my children, I like to think things through as to how (whatever it is) would impact my children and how to help them cope.

When it came to my Grandma's passing, I wanted to prepare them for everything.  I wanted nothing to be a shock to them throughout the funeral process.

(and yes, i'm one of those moms that has the birds and the bees talk with her kids before the school does.)

But anyway - from the moment the kids and I found out at the hospital that my Grandma didn't make it, after I pulled myself together, I offered them the opportunity to see her in her room at the hospital.  Some may agree, others may disagree, but I wanted them to make that decision on their own.

My mom and I wanted to see her before the Funeral Home picked her up, and the kids decided that they did too.  I tried to explain that what they would see in that room, is just her "Earth Suit".  A costume of sorts that we all wear, but once our time on Earth is over, and our Earth Suit retires, the core of our being, our spirit, goes to Heaven and is very alive and happy.

I know not all people share my belief on the whole God and Heaven thing, but for now this is how I explain it to my kids.

They went in the room to see Grandma one last time, but didn't stay long.  I didn't expect them to, but thought they should have the opportunity.  I don't want "death" to freak them out, because it is a reality and in their lives, they will lose many people they love.  I was hoping to lay a good foundation now.

So, in the days that followed, Chas was pretty quiet, while Bekah asked a lot more questions.  Each of them I tried to answer as honestly and child-friendly as I could.  I explained exactly what Grandma would be wearing when we saw her at the funeral home, and how she'd probably look so comfortable we'd think she was sleeping.  I let the kids pick out their own little bouquet of flowers and write a note to put in the casket with her before they closed it.

I talked about the cemetary and how she'd be buried in a vault, etc and how they would do all of that after we left.  Some of it I think they understood.  Other parts, probably not.

After the funeral, we went to the cemetary before the flowers were taken off her grave so the kids could see it.  I've tried to show them every single phase that is possible. 

Bekah is scared to death to walk around my house alone.  She's afraid that Grandma is in every room, under blankets, etc.  In her simple mind, I think she believes my grandma is hiding.  But on the same token, just the other day - she mentioned that she missed her and started crying about how she'll never ever get to see her again.

It broke my heart.

What do you say to that?

Sure, there's the cliche' ..."oh we'll see Grandma when we get to heaven."  ..that just sparks a whole different set of questions that are even harder to answer for an almost 8 year old.

This is some really tough stuff.

Something I'm not sure we're ever prepared for, but I'm certainly doing my best to deal with it realisticially and empathetically.

With that being said, her other Great Grandma (her dad's g-ma) is in the hospital now.  And instantly Bekah is in tears, "I don't want Granny to die!"   Bless her heart.

What am I supposed to say?  I mean, we thought everything was ok with my Grandma and then BOOM.  Gone.

So, I continue to lean on the Faith that we have in our hearts and the God that I've taught her to believe in and remind her that He is the only one that knows when Granny's last day will be. 

I can't promise her that she'll be ok and then have the same thing happen again.

If I were to practice what I preach, I wouldn't be selfishly praying that "Granny" be ok, at least for a few more months until we can all heal from my Grandma's passing.  But I admit.  I am.

When I went to the hospital with Bekah to see her Granny, it was tough.  Tougher than I expected.

Part of me was so sad inside, that she was suffering.

Another part of me was worried sick that she would pass and then they would all be hurting like I was.... and am.

Then another small part of me, admittedly was jealous; that they still had their Grandma - and I didn't.

So, right now, I'm just praying that Granny will be ok, because I don't know how I will be able to help Bekah get through another death, so quickly.



On the bright side, spending time with my Grandpa, helping him run errands and taking care of him has been such a huge honor for me.  I've always loved my Grandpa dearly, possibly because he's the only 'man' in my life that's ever loved me consistently, no matter what my faults or successes.     ...and as his only Granddaughter, I feel that he might feel the same way about me.

He's been learning how to take care of himself, all while grieving the loss of his wife, the mother of his children and quite possibly, his best friend of 56 years.  It's bittersweet.  But I am so, so thankful for the talks in the car that he and I have had.  For the opportunities to tell him that I love him and to calm his worries about everything from money to laundry.

The waters I'm sailing are most certainly uncharted for me, however I think I'm navigating alright.  Trying to ride the waves and prepare my little sailors as well as possible for the journeys ahead.