With the unseasonably warmer weather, this weekend I was forced to mow my yard.  I set the mower on a higher setting, just to even the spots in the grass up, and then plan to mow it a little nicer sometime this week.


Just as in the past, I got ready to start my little push mower and realized that I was almost out of gas.  And as history has repeated itself, I checked the gas can and it was dry.  What did I expect for the first "yard mowing" of the year?


One thing was different this year, and it's been a lot harder to process than before.


I couldn't call my Grandma and ask if she'd run some  gas out to my house.


In the past, she'd always stop by in the warm weather, help me clean up the old plants from last year, pull some weeds here and there, bring me some extra gas for my mower, since they had nothing else to do, that was always her thing.


But I guess I have to adjust to the change this year.  There is no Grandma.


Since she passed away last fall, I thought I'd have a harder time dealing with it as the realization set in, but I guess I was so busy with Thanksgiving and Christmas and then Bekah's birthday, that I didn't have a lot of time to think about being sad.


Now, the windows are open, the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming and her car should be pulling in my driveway any minute to say hi.


But it's not going to happen.

And I'm having a really, really hard time lately accepting that.  As I mowed my yard the other day, all I could think about was her, and how she'll never be able to come over to my house anymore.


For some reason, here lately life just isn't the same without her.  My Grandpa stops by sometimes, alone and when he leaves, I just feel so bad for him because he is all alone.  I cannot even imagine, but he seems to be handling it well.


Not sure why I'm not, but I suppose I'll learn to accept it here soon and be able to just be happy for the memories and not sad that I can't make any more with her.