Reverse Anorexic

I don't know enough about eating disorders and I certainly am not making light of them at all, so I hope none of you are offended but I have to say...

I believe that I am a reverse anorexic. 

We're all friends here, right?  And honestly, I've never been one to be really vain about my weight or whatever.  I guess I've always been of the notion that you can take it or leave it!  Perhaps that may be due to the fact that I gave up my body for my son at a young age, but I have never really felt like i had to be super model skinny.

With that being said - here's the deal.

When i look in the mirror.... i think i look alright!  I mean, I know i'm not like getting the next hot-bod contract anytime soon, but ya know - I have a waistline.  And I have hips and for the most part, I would like to think that I have a "figure" so-to-speak.

I've always had hips and thighs.  I'm pretty sure my thighs have rubbed together since I was born.  ...and so do my daughters.

Let's be honest.... there's simply no shame in our game.

But the number on the scale  -  drives me insane.

I don't even OWN a scale because i don't want to constantly weigh myself and get upset about it.

And I certainly don't want Bekah to grow up standing on the scale every day.  So-  we just don't own one.

But that doesn't mean that I don't sneak over to my mom's every now-and-then and step on hers.

Let's talk numbers.

And i'm only doing this because:
1.) regardless of my weight - i know you all love me anyway (and come on, the more I weigh, the more of me there is to love!!)  hahahah!
2.) if for some reason i ever lose weight - this will be a good place to reference for my old statistics.


Now.  Here's the deal.

When I got pregnant for Chaston, I weighed like 145 or 150.  I gave birth at 183 pounds.

3 years later, I was about 150 or so when I got pregnant for Bekah.  I gave birth at 201 pounds.  At her first birthday (mostly due to stress and a little more than 12 months of nursing)... I weighed 118.  It was disgusting. 

I'm pretty sure people thought i was on drugs.  WIth everything going on in my life and the way I looked, I probably looked like someone that not only was on drugs but needed them to trudge through the crap in my life at that point.

BUt luckily, things evened out and became somewhat controlled and i started gaining my weight back to a healthy spot.

Fast forward to recently.  Since I evened out with Bekah (probably when she was about 3 years old or so) I've weighed about 170.  I do not like that weight, but no matter what I do, it's like always right around 170.

I can't stand the taste of water... so I've been buying the 0 calorie flavor pack things to make drinking water easier.

So back in January, I cut down to 1 mt dew a day (sometimes none, but if i'm out running around, i get one) and then i was trying to watch my calories as well as drink water.

And i started Zumba.  Faithfully.   2 or 3 times a week for an hour.  Then... i was doing this EA Active workout at home on the off days.

I started feeling better.... i felt like my legs were looking slimmer and my mid-section as well.

So last week, I decided i was going to get on my mom's scale.  Surely, after all this effort, I must be down to at least 110.  HAHAHAHAH!

Yea, 177.

One hundred to the friggen seventy-seven.

"ohhhhhhh it's all muscle".

NO.

Grrrr.

I don't want to hear that.

At this point, I am SO freaking frustrated.

Why?  because the number.  Which is so vain of me.


So.... luckily, all of my summer clothes from last year fit just fine.  The things that were tight, are still tight and the things that fit right, still fit right.

But in preparation for Spring Break, I went to try on a few different (and more comfy) capri's. 

This is where the reverse anorexia comes in.

When I stand in the dressing room mirror.. I think "dang it!  I look decent for growing 2 people in my body!"

THen, I hold up the capri's.  And I think, "these are like a parachute!  I definitely will need at least the next size smaller!"

But no, sweet baby Jesus, no ....

they fit.

perfectly.

Those big 'ol pants.... fit.

UGH.

So i don't know whether to really consider it a bad thing that i don't think i look as "thick" as I am... but on the other end of the spectrum... I really need to get myself in check!  I really hope that the clothes that i wear compliment my body instead of make me look like some cougar trying to be all young and hip.  Because that .... I am not.

and for clarification - i may be a cougar (not sure what the specifications are for that)... but trying to be hip?  Yea, not me.

At any rate...since there will be no Ricker's in sight for the next 7 or 8 days, I'm going to REALLY try hard to drink the ocean dry of (flavored) water.  I am going to walk the beach for exercize and mayyyyyybe bust out some zumba moves with Bekah in our downtime.  HAH! 

And then, when I get home, I'll show that scale at my mom's who the boss is.