A Letter

Most of you know that I've spent a great deal of time over the past couple of years sorting through my thoughts and emotions regarding my childhood.  Specifically, as it relates to my "dads".  Because I am human, I think that I will (in some capacity) struggle with this in different ways for the rest of my life; however my goal when I started this "journey" was to be freed from the prison that those emotions kept me confined to.

As God would have it, I became "close" to a lady that had just started as the Children's Ministry Lead Pastor at church through the serving in the children's ministry that would eventually help me sort through my feelings with a little more depth and work to free myself from that burden.

After teaching my class for many months, she finally asked me one day, "So, what's your story?"  And that's all it took to turn on a well of tears that probably left her thinking that this once-put-together-elementary-church-teacher was a total basketcase.

I collected my thoughts and told her that my childhood wasn't the best and told her an EXTREMELY high level overview of my situation.  And when i say "high level overview", i mean that i didn't even scratch the surface of the depth of the situation.

She suggested that we have dinner sometime and maybe talk about it because she too, had grown up with a dad that wasn't around and struggled for many years in the same ways that I did.

After a couple of months, I got up the courage to meet her for lunch. 

And of course, there were tears.  And I was embarrassed that I was a grown adult, mother of two sweet children that should have moved on from this issue, but was now sitting in a restaurant crying about things that happened years and years ago.

She gave me some good suggestions on how she dealt with overcoming the issues she had with her dad, but at the time, it wasn't a proverbial "pill I was ready to swallow" just yet.  It all sounded good and wonderful, but I knew the time wasn't right for me to take those actions.  I still had some work to do on the inside.

I didn't forget our conversation that day over the next several months.  In fact, whenever I would feel a "trigger" that would make me start having the negative thoughts of the past, i would remember our talk that day and keep praying that soon enough, peace would find its way into my heart.

Fast forward to the last couple of months. 

I finally sorted through my feelings enough to determine two things:

1.) For a while I was "mad" at my biological dad because he "didn't want me"; but I have since realized through a few email conversations with him that, while he didn't make the best decisions when it came to me or my life -  he did what he thought was best for me, which was letting my step-dad adopt me.

The part that I really had to sort through was the fact that; had my step-dad kept his "oath" to love me unconditionally as a biological father would; many of the issues I've dealt with since my pregnancy with Chaston wouldn't be "issues".  But he didn't.

And I can't blame that on my real dad.

I had many opportunities in my childhood.  Traveling, good memories, a wonderful mom and dad that loved me, I never wanted for anything as a kid, etc.

But the minute I "blew it" so-to-speak ... by getting pregnant - it was blazingly obvious that my adopted dad's love was extremely conditional upon my success.  And in his eyes - I had failed.

Again - I can't hold my real dad accountable for that.  He had no idea when he signed the papers that things would end up the way they did.

So, I have been working on building a relationship with my biological dad.  He seems to want to get to know me, and as long as I don't set the expectations too high, there's no harm, right?

I think my next big step or milestone will be to accept him for who he is.  He's a different kind of guy.  Someone that means well, but perhaps doesn't always think the way that I would about my children.  But then again, the man doesn't really know me.  I would venture to say that all of you reading this blog know me WAY better than this man.

But I'm learning that it's ok.  Things are as they should be in this moment.

Last month, I was perusing youtube listening to some music during work and ran across a song that inspired me.  It was a woman (a mother of a little boy)... that had a similarly broken relationship with her dad and she really got all of her feelings out in the song.

Oddly, the song gave me a lot of peace about putting my feelings out there too.

And I started thinking of the 'healing' process as it relates to my step/adopted dad.

Let's face it.  I don't want to sound morbid, but we're not getting any younger.  And I fear that when something does happen to him, I may have a difficult time dealing with it for a variety of reasons, one of which would be eternal resentment toward someone who may have never realized how they affected me; both positively and negatively.  Like I said before, I had a good life as a child.  Many, many opportunties and the reality is - had he not been such a large fixture in my life for so many years, chances are - I wouldn't be the person I am today.  THis being both good and bad.

So I listened to the song about 400 times over the next hour or so and realized that it was time.  I had nothing to lose and everything to gain from that final step in moving on.

So, I sat one Sunday night in front of this computer, tears welling up.... same song playing in the background and I wrote him a letter.  The first page was "Dear Dad"  thanking him for the life he gave me and the sacrifices he made in order to raise a child that wasn't his.   I wanted him to know that I realize and appreciate all that he did for me and the opportunities that he gave me.

The last four pages were written after the greeting "Dear Howard".  I wrote it from an adult woman's perspective on life after children.  A bit sarastic but truthful at times, I thanked him for judging me, for making me emancipate myself when I told him I was pregnant and for teaching me how NOT to love my children.  I told him about my kids, how proud I was of them and how I always felt like he was so proud of me when i was a child.  I told him the only thing i would do differently is love my children forever.  No matter what.  I told him that I will never forget his first words when I told him I was pregnant, "I raised you and I"m not paying a dime for your kid".... and how I finished the semester at college and didn't returns so I could get a real job with benefits so I wouldn't have to go on Medicaid and Food Stamps.  I told him that he has never paid a dime for my kids, not even his tax money.  Then I asked him what it tasted like to eat his words.

I told him briefly about some of the things in my life right now, that I can only hope would make him the least bit proud of me.  And how sick it was that I still base a small amount of my personal success on his acceptance.

And it felt so good.

At the end of the letter, I told him that I don't expect anything from him; not even his love in return - but I wanted him to know that I know what unconditional love is because if he ever needed anything (help, care, etc)  - i would drop everything to be there for him.  Not because I have his last name, but because he's a human being and he deserves that kind of unconditional love.

And I thanked him again for everything - the Good and the Bad.

...then i signed my name.


It took me a week to mail the letter.  I couldn't get myself to put it in the mailbox. 

But I finally did.  I put the little red flag up, got in my car and drove away. 

When I got back home that day, it was gone. 





I haven't heard back from him.

I don't know that I ever will.  And for the first time in my adult life - I don't really care.  I said what I needed to say, there are no words left untouched and now, my life has to go on.

I still struggle at times wondering why....  but I quickly remind myself that it just might be a blessing that I am estranged from him.  And that my story is already written by the greatest author of all time... a God that is never surprised and always makes good come of rough times.... knows everything there is to know about me ; and loves me forever. 

Oh, and that peace in my heart i was talking about earlier...

it feels so good.