Wash the Windshield

Keeping the view of the road ahead clear.



Wednesday, September 28, 2011

D-E-F-E-N-S-E

Whether or not I'm sitting here with a preventable stomach ache from eating 2 bowls of Apple Salad this morning is really not important.  What is important is that through this experience, I had an epiphany.

One of my favorite things... ok, maybe it's not one of my favorite things, because I have many other things that are far more enjoyable than what i'm about to talk about - so let me restate...

I get a great deal of pleasure from watching myself and others go through the motions of 'defending' themselves.  And this could be defending themselves against anything.  So, keep your mind broad as you read through this.

It's almost as if it goes in slow motion. 

I'm going to look at this from a very basic and broad perspective.

Step 1: Person A does something wrong or could have used better judgement.

Step 2: Person A realizes their wrong-doing/lack of judgement and/or Person B points out Person A's failure.

Step 3: Person A begins to rationalize in their head why they did whatever it was. 

Step 4: Person A begins to state their case to either themselves or Person B.


I think I find it so wildly amusing because I am uber guilty of doing it... all the time.  Let me give you an example from, well - about 15 minutes ago.

Step 1: I decided to eat a bowl of Apple Salad.  I grabbed a small bowl (picture a small sour cream container that i've washed out) and proceeded to fill it to the point where it was about to spill over with the infamous Apple Salad that I made Sunday.  Why the small bowl?  Well obviously because I've identified that I have a bit of an obsession a problem with over eating when it comes to salad.  So, I finish my first bowl in an amount of time that is not your business fast.  At which point, I decide that I am still hungry.  And what better timing than to go on ahead and fill up to the point where it was about to spill over that same petite sour cream bowl with more Apple Salad.  Although my consumption speed was slightly slower than the previous bowl, I'm pretty sure I cleaned both bowls out in about 8 minutes total.  And yes, I'm pathetically serious.  If pathetically isn't a word, it most certainly is now.

Step 2: My stomach begins to hurt.  Just moments from taking the bowl into the kitchen to the sink.  Perhaps I shouldn't have ate all that Apple Salad just now.


Step 3:  Unfortunately because of the stomach issues, the bowl has yet to make it to the sink.  Suprised?  I didn't think so.  Why does my stomach hurt?  Well, quite possibly due to the fact that I just scarffed down entirely too much of the creamy-fruity-fluffy mixture.  However... (and this is where the best part of defending myself comes in)... I deserve it!  I mean, really?  Why can't I have 2 extremely generous servings of Apple Salad?  I run my kids everywhere, practices, shopping, etc (don't mention the fact that most of this is driving/sitting on my rear) ... it takes energy to get into the car and drive, right.  And aside from that ... I did attend Zumba on Monday night.  And I'm planning on jogging around the neighborhood on my lunch break today.  So, doesn't that count?  I mean, it's like a balanced budget... what comes in must go out - so i'm burning calories doing Zumba, potentially jogging around the neighborhood block, and running my kids to everywhere they need to go.   But just like the government's balanced budget, there's no extra left over for saving... or in this case ... losing.  So, whyyyy do I continue to wonder why I weigh as much as I do?  Probably because I eat whatever I want and then justify it by working out no more (and quite possibly slightly less) than I ate in the first place.

Step 4: So, at this point, i remind myself that the more I weigh, the more of me there is to love. 


...and that folks - is why I am so amused at people when they defend themselves. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I was born to eat salad

I'm pretty sure the invention of 'salads' was quite possibly fueled by divine intervention and the fact that only God knew how much I was going to love salad.

Pasta Salad, Apple Salad, House Salad, Spinach Salad, Mixed Greens Salad, Potato Salad, Tomato and Mozarella Salad, Chicken Salad... the list can go on and on.

This girl LOVES her some salad. 

No joke.

And you know, since we're being honest here, I'm going to go ahead and just proclaim that I love food.

There's nothing wrong with that, right?

...ah yes- the "there's more of me to love" excuse.  I'm still sticking with it for now.

And I don't think it is anyone's business whether my actual weight matches the one listed on my driver's license.  I dare you to tell me I don't weigh 130.  HA!

At any rate, I'm currently sitting here stuffing my face with Apple Salad.  Not Waldorf salad (no thank you!) ... but Apple Salad.  I made it last night and have been salivating for it since then.  Apples, Grapes, Marshmallows all mixed in freshly whipped Whipping Cream then refridgerated. 

Can you say YUMMO?!

Well I just did.

Now, I went out to eat this weekend with the lover; where I had a tomato mozarella salad.  Friggen Yum.  I remember the first time I ate one of those, I can't remember where I was, but I remember thinking, "Oh wow, this is literally tomatoes and cheese.  Ok.

So, when I saw it on the menu where we ate, I had to order it.  And it was DELICIOUS.  So much so, that I trotted my rear end to the grocery store to buy some tomatoes, mozzarella cheese and balsalmic vinegrette to make my own.  And it was gooood!

Homemade potato salad is the BEST.   I know it takes a great deal of effort to make, but if you love me, it's the least you can do, right?  Ok, maybe not.

Hmm.. Chicken Salad.  To be honest, I'm really upset with the whole Chicken Salad adoration right now because both Subway and McCallisters changed their Chicken Salad recipes and I severely dislike them.  YUCK.  Fruit does not belong in Chicken Salad.  It just doesn't.  And I'm sorry to offend you if you think it does.

But no.

So, now I am on a Chicken Salad "fast" of sorts that needs to end relatively soon.  I was told to try GFS's Chicken Salad, but it's not very good :(.    So, again - if you love me... find me a dang good chicken salad recipe... please? 

Pasta Salad... nuff said.  I think I'm italian at heart.  I could eat pasta every day all day.  I think the carb-coma would be well worth it.

Now, there are only certain kinds of dressings that I will eat depending on the lettuce/greens that are used in a house salad.

Stupid?  probably.  But just accept that I am obnoxiously very picky about certain things.

So, a house salad with like, Iceberg Lettuce requires French Dressing.  Sometimes Ranch, depending on where we are.  But never bottled Ranch, always homemade.

A mixed greens salad (the kind that looks like you're grazing in a field of multi-colored weeds)... should be served at about room temperature with a vinagrette dressing.  Preferrably Rasberry Vinagrette but will accept Balsalmic Vinagrette in a pinch.

Pasta Salad should be served with an Italian/Oil based dressing, although I'm rarely picky about pasta salad.

Annnnd so that's it...

I love Salad!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

People Approval

Hi.

My name is Ginny.

And I suffer from People Approval Addiction.

What is People Approval Addiction?

It's an emotionally disgusting disease that can affect a person so deeply at their core, that before they know it, they are literally sick at the thought of someone not liking them and/or approving of them.

...and that's me.

I've reached a situation this past weekend where I have learned that someone very, very close to me does not approve of my dating situation.  And honestly... it kills me.

Beacuse for years, I either didn't date or kept my dating life so completely private that it left people either guessing or feeling awkward to even ask.  And that's just how it was.

I lived alone, took care of my kids, spent time with the secret special someone on the weekends that I didn't have my kids and went about my life extremely independently.

And apparently, everyone was really cool with the fact that I was doing it all on my own.  Often feeling lonely and missing that piece of myself that can only be filled in by a significant other that loves me.

Now that I've openly begun dating someone from my past, a few people that are very close to me are openly  dissatisfied with my choice and putting me in a really, really tough spot.

And it really sucks, for the inner People Approval Addict that I am.

Several months ago, I came to terms with the fact that I deserve to be happy.  We all do.  Not knowing what would come in my future, I made peace with the past and decided to focus on the windshield, not the rearview mirror.

And life went on.

Then someone special appeared in my life, for whatever reason.  And we started hanging out and grew closer.  And the spark that existed several years ago came back... and it felt comfortable.

But in the meantime, I have external forces openly objecting... which leaves me feeling like maybe I don't deserve to be happy.

My rational mind tells me that I have to do what makes me happy.  And those that love and care for me will support me, regardless.  That no one lasts forever and we don't know how short our lives may be, so why live a life for anyone other than ourselves (and our children, obviously)?

Why throw in the towel and surrender to the outside forces that don't live with you and don't live in your heart.

And really.... aren't there worse things I could be doing than openly dating someone from my past?

There are two issues here:

1.) After I started being open about my new special someone, my son's dad decided that he wanted to be with me.  After all these years, he realizes how 'great' i am.

2.) He started telling everyone close to me how much he loves me.

The "given" reason for such disapproval of my situation is:

1.) The divorce is way too fresh... situation is just "not right".
2.) I act like I'm better than this person now that I'm dating him.
3.) Baby daddy loves me and my kids and is "trying".



So, he has several people (mind you, that are both close and not close to me) rallying for he and I to be together.  And if you know me well at all, you will probably know that I decided a long time ago that he and I are just not meant to be together. 

He's a great dad, I appreciate the love he shows our son (and even my daughter) however ... not where I need him to be from a life partner perspective.  And I honestly don't mean that badly.

But just because he loves me and my kids... doesn't mean I love him the same way.

Make any sense?

It's all so trivial, and I think that's what makes me so mad.

It's like high school.  You waited TEN YEARS to tell me how you feel and then I'm supposed to drop everything and run back to you, simply by default.

I don't think so.

There was a time in my life when I wanted to be with him.  Not necessarily because it was him specifically that I loved, but more because I just wanted a family for my kids.  Thankfully, it didn't work out that way.  As I grew up and matured, I realized that he is not what I'm looking for in a spouse.

It ticks me off because it's like, I've done it on my own for this long, and now that I decide I want to be happy (whether it's with my special guy or another guy)...  it just cannot be that simple.

It puts a wedge in my heart again, like many years ago where I want to revert back to the old private self.  Tell nobody anything about my life so I can prevent the risk of people talking to eachother behind my back about me and my choices as well as situations like this right here... where their disapproval begins to eat away at me.. and make me want to give up on everything completely.


Other than feeling upset for ME being treated this way, I get really upset FOR my sweet guy, who did nothing to deserve this type of judgement and whom, if things did progress between us, would possibly be left feeling awkward when we are around this person/people.  I would never want to do that to someone else and the fact that it's coming from people close to me, just breaks my heart, for him.

The only 'sound' advice I can give myself regarding this situation is that I am 31 years old.  I am a woman, a mother, a daughter, a grand-daughter, a sister, a cousin, a friend and an employee.  I am capable of making decisions for my own life that bear good consequences and bad consequences.  And I'm the only one that has to live with those consequences. 

If people don't want to support my current decision, as long as its not harming my children... then they can just not be involved in my life. 

If only it were that simple.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The New Couch

In a somewhat bi-polar fashion, I have to admit - I'm already over the whole old couch thing.

The minute my new couch arrived, I was in love.

In fact, I fought the urge to work from my new couch today.  And only decided against it beause it might become an addicition.  And I certainly don't want to wear a hole in my new couch.

I know that material posessions shoudln't make us happy, but in this case, I need to step out of my norm and say that this new furniture makes me super happy.

In addition to my children, my job, etc here are some other random things that currently make me happy:

1.) A good haircut
2.) Homemade macaroni and cheese
3.) Get togethers with friends (hello - 80's ladies!)
4.) Stupid reality TV shows. 
5.) Cuddling  (yea, the girl that hates to be touched is saying that) 

I'll give you a moment to catch your breath after that one.

6.) My bed when it's made... with all the pillows on it.
7.) Richly painted wall colors.
8.) A long talk about anything serious.
9.) Fine point pens.
10.) Newborn babies.
11.) Swiss Brand Diet Sweet Tea
12.) My special guy.
13.) Traveling
14.) A fire in my fireplace or outside, like a bonfire.
15.) Flannel Friggen Sheets.
16.) The rear-wiper moving back and forth on the back window of my car.
17.) Dog noses.
18.) Pedicures
19.) Bike rides
20.) Crisp evening walks.

And that's it.

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Couch

Dear Sweet Family Room Couch,

You tattered, stained and smelly old couch.

I love you.

You were my first piece of brand new furniture back in late 1999. 

Yes, you are that old.  I know you don't feel like it because you've been kept young with good company, but you are from the 20th century.

I think you started out a light cream color.  But now, you've turned to grey.

I suppose that's how we as humans are too.  We start out so perfect and then turn grey with age.

Look at all you've been through...   in September of 2000, you comforted my body as I lay with my newborn baby boy.

In early 2001, you graciously let me remove your back cushions to allow me to sit my sweet boy in the corner of your armrest and back to support him as he learned to sit up.

As the years went on, you were so patient as he jumped around as if you were a trampoline.... and despite your desire for modesty, allowed him to remove all of the cushions numerous times to make a fort out of you.

You've had countless sippy cups spilled on you, crumbs from crackers and sandwiches scattered in your crevices, and a disgusting amount of germs from illness and everything else.

In 2004, you were a cozy bed to lay on during my maternity leave with Bekah. 

and the process began again... bottles, sippy cups, crackers, etc.

At some point, you had to sigh a bit of relief as the kids got older.  Don't worry sweet couch, I did too.

You've moved with me when I bought my first home.

and even though it took a near-miracle to get you through the doorway, you made it.  And have called my family room 'home' for almost 3 years now.

So, I think it goes without saying that our separation is bittersweet for me.  On Tuesday, my new furniture will arrive. 

And you will be gone.

I know you're old, and tired and ready for a rest.

But to make the transition easier on both of us, I won't make the effort at cleaning out your cushions.  Perhaps it will be my gift to you.  I'll let you keep your modesty by not removing all your cushions and viciously sucking all the crap out of your crevices.... and you can consider it my gift of memories.

...or maybe my laziness.

Either way... you keep the crumbs and I'll keep the memories.

Thanks again for over a decade of comfort... in more ways than one.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Colors in the Sky

My hands were gripped on the wheel of my Pontiac, drivng down a familiar road at about 7:15 in the morning.

The sky was absolutely gorgeous.  Painted in colors of yellow, pink and a few scattered clouds among the rays shining off the sun. 

There's just something about a sunrise and a sunset that reaches deep into me and pulls out all kinds of reflective feelings.

I started thinking about Grace.  And about how everyday is a clean slate.  A new chance to make a new day.  A fresh opportunity for good things to happen.  I was thinking about how we can go from being the most happy, thankful, joyous people and within minutes, a storm blows in and we are overcome by negativity, hurt, pain and sadness.

I've had my fair share of times like that, and in retrospect, am so thankful for those times of darkness because I feel like I wouldn't be able to empathize and support people in certain situations without those scars.

I have two sweet people in my life right now with totally opposite circumstances, but my heart hurts for both of them.

One sweet, sweet friend is battling infertility.  And it's rocking her to the core.  She's questioning everything from her body, her Faith, morals and at times her marriage because of the stress of infertility and all that goes along with it.  I can't imagine what that storm must feel like for her, as a woman. 

I struggle at times with knowing what to say to people with infertility issues because of the guilt of the fact that my children came by accident and negligence on my part and were born into homes that weren't ideal.

But then, I see children born into environments that are equally as unhealthy.... with parents that fight, set bad examples, take them for granted or put their own wants and needs ahead of their sweet children.

Then, I remind myself of how good my kids really have it. 

They have the love of both of their parents and God.  What more could they need?

I have another friend that struggled with getting pregnant with her first child 11 years ago.  Then, had another.  Her marriage was ok but finally ended after about 7 years.  She's dated a few guys since she's been divorced and was engaged to be married again.

Long story short, she's expecting again.  Completely by surprise and in total shock and disbelief.

And oh, how I feel her pain.  I know what it feels like to be so upset at yourself for 'allowing' it to happen.  And on top of it, she and her fiance' have broken things off and she's back on her own.

Some may look at her situation and say, "well - she did it to herself!"

And maybe that's the truth, but aren't we, as friends called to support those people anyway?  So, that's what I've been doing with her.  And it's been hard at times, because I can literally feel her pain with the legal aspect... talking to attorneys about a little person that isn't even born yet.  Worrying how in the world you're going to make it financially, etc.

But I stand by what I said when she told me she was pregnant....

"I won't tell you Congratulations, because I know you don't want to hear that.  So, I will just say... it all works out in the end.  Hang in there."

Because it's true... in retrospect, doesn't it all work out in the end?

Isn't everything all part of a bigger plan anyway?  Some may argue in the belief of a higher power, and I can certainly understand people's right to question that 'being' - however I choose to believe.  And I believe that absolutely everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes there are storms.

Have you ever watched the radar as a bad storm is approaching?  We sit, for minutes, maybe hours - watching the radar, then stepping outside to look at the skies as they darken.  The wind begins to blow and we take cover.

In the middle of the storm, do we ever look at the sky behind us?  The sky that was replaced by the storm?  Those fluffy white clouds thta seem to just float freely without care?  The sun that shines on our face and brings children into the street to laugh and play like there are not cares in the world.

Never.

We're always looking at that storm that is approaching.  Then, as it hits us.... we are consumed by it.  Praying that it will pass quickly.  Praying that it won't affect our families and friends.

And then it passes.

You step outside to the smell of fresh rain and a cool breeze that feels so good brushing through your hair.... and then you see...

that rainbow.

The sweet colors of Roy G. Biv traveling behind that massive storm like a caboose on a train.  An arch of colors that  could only be painted by sun rays and dark skies.

If only we could think about the beauty of a rainbow during the storm.

If we trusted that good things would come after the storm passes, would we weather the storm differently?

Sometimes we get so caught up in looking in the direction of the dark clouds, that we forget to look at all that lies around us.  All the rainbows that have been painted in our lives as a result of a storm.

...and all the rainbows that are yet to come.


I know that in time, for all the friends in my life that are in the middle of a storm ... it will pass.  And their skies will be painted with rainbows soon.

And for those of my friends that are currently experiencing the effects of a great rainbow... storms will come.  But we must remember to be mindful of the goodness we have right now and anticipate the colors in the sky that will appear after every storm in our lives.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Addiction

I may or may not have an addiction to birthday cake.

Ok, so it's a serious addiciton.

Nonetheless, I do love birthday cake.  And just like the only child that I was raised, it can't be just any birthday cake...  it has to be one from a bakery with wedding cake-style icing.  You know, the kind that gets kinda hard on the outside layer after a couple of days.

mmmmmmm.  (Salivating yet?)

So, you know, I'm not going to lie about it.  When I went to the bakery to get my favorite little man's birthday cake this weekend I resisted the urge to purchase a full sheet cake at $89.99 for myself his party... with the intention of eating the left overs all by myself.  But then I reminded myself about the whole "if you eat an entire cake, you'll have to buy new blue jeans" and "if you eat too much left over cake, you'll have to widen all the doorways in your house to accomodate your hind quarters" and "oh, there's that whole clogged artery thing".

...but none of that stopped me from grazing on a very generous sized piece of left-over birthday cake this morning for breakfast.

Gross?  Not at the time.

But now, an hour later when it's just sitting on my waistline begging me to ask forgiveness?

Yea.  Not so cool.

But the good news is, Zumba is tonight and I can waddle my cake-eating bootie into that big room like I own the place and burn some of these calories.



The birthday party was so much fun!  If you've never taken your sons (or even yourself if you feel inclined) to play Laser tag, I strongly urge you to do so.  It was so much fun!  I played one game with the boys and, despite the fact that I wanted to pounce on a few kids that just stood there and shot me, it was a good time. 

Toward the end of the game, I finally caught on to the strategy that some of the other teams were using and realized that it might have been more fun if I wouldn't have been running around the place like a wild banshee trying to take down all the kids in one strike.

Yea, I was "that person".

I'm so embarrassed.

But whatever.  I mean, isn't that how I roll most of the time?

Case in point, the leaf blower and panda ears combo picture of me on facebook.  Clearly, there is a limited amount of shame "in my game".

After the Laser Tag experience, a Hummer Limo suprised my unsuspecting son and 10 of his friends with a ride back to the Pendleton Pizza Hut where we partied a little bit more, ate pizza and open gifts.

Oh, and we had cake.

Did I really need to mention that though? 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Step 2

As many of you know, I've been working on building my relationship with my biological father over the past few years, with a greater amount of purpose and force in the recent year or so. 

To say that mending an unhealthy relationship that really never existed has been awkward would be an understatement, however I am cognizant of the fact that this has been a necessary experience that would end up sponsoring a great deal of internal growth.

Through the rollercoaster that this has been, I have learned that ignorance can breed negativity.  When I was younger, I don't think I had the capacity to view things in any other way than the way that I'd been influenced to believe.  As I grew up, had my own children, hardships and experience - I learned very quickly that ignorance goes hand in hand with naivity, in that with both - you don't really know as much as you think you do....and it can be fatal.

And that tended to be the case when it came to the issues within the father/daughter relationship that I didn't have with my real dad.  The more I learned about him and the circumstances surrounding my birth and childhood, the more I formed my own opinions.  In a sense, I offered my close "friends" (anger, resentment, hurt, and despair) a chance to retire from their duties of 'taking up way too much space in my heart'.

Their retirement was brutal at times, because those feelings were so comfortable.  It was easy to be mad.  To hate. To feel sorry for myself and my situation.  

However it gave me a chance to meet some new 'pals' that quickly took over the mess that was my heart and began mending the pieces. You may know them as "forgiveness, grace, logic, humility, acceptance and trust."

Amazing how the 4 friends I hung on to for so long (anger, resentment, hurt and despair) were replaced by 6 new pals (forgiveness, grace, logic, humility, acceptance and trust) ... but yet they feel so much less bulky.  A much more comfortable fit.  And easier to live with.

I would have to say "acceptance" is the hardest one to hang out with.

Accepting someone for who they are, is very, very tough at times.  I've had to accept that my biological dad will never be the prototype that we all expect our dads to be. I have had to learn to accept that, his heartfelt apology and humility in admitting some of the biggest decisions he ever made in my life caused me a great deal of suffering ... is the definition of love.

At its purest form.

Everything that comes after that is just an outward act of love.  And maybe his way of showing love and my way of showing love are two different things. 

I can't fault him for that.

"Just because I don't love you the way you think I should, doesn't mean I'm not loving you with all that I have."

Doesn't that sing so true?

Have you ever wished someone would love you in a different way?

Have you ever loved someone the best you knew how, and they rejected you?

I've accepted that he will never be the type of dad that I could call up, crying and give me some good solid advice that I need.

...but it doesn't mean that he wouldn't try.



He called me last week to tell me about some issues with his health.  I remembered last night that he had an appointment with his heart surgeon on Thursday and that he was very scared of going.  I texted him to ask what time his appointment was and he said 1pm.  He said in the text back that he wished I could go with him.

He was reaching out, asking me to be there for him.... like a daughter should.

And if I truly reside with my pals; forgivness, grace and acceptance... there should be NOTHING that would stand in my way of being there for my 'dad' when he is scared.  I knew at that moment that I had to go.

So, I moved a couple of calls around and headed to Indy.  I knew it would be a little awkward, because healthcare is a very private part of one's life to share.... and i'd never really spent any time with him one-on-one.  So, I handled the situation with care. 

When I arrived, I saw him in the waiting room and he gave me a big hug and thanked me for coming. I felt my muscles clinch tightly as he hugged me, as if to say, "stay numb.  If your relationship with him doesn't work out, you don't want to feel the pain again." 

I told him I was happy to be there with him and had a seat.

When the nurse called us back, I could tell he was very nervous.  Nervous about his health.  Nervous about the fact that, no matter how much he says "you're my daughter just like the other girls" and "i love you just as much as the other girls".... it's so much different when you're face to face with someone that you let down, tremendously - yet they are there with open arms and an open heart full of Grace.

If only he knew.

I haven't had very many meaningful conversations with the man; but the words we exchanged for the twenty to thirty minutes we were waiting on the doctor to come in were so pure.

So vulnerable.

So Real.

So  Invested.

and So, so Needed.

I needed to see that he was a real person.  Not someone who told me what I would want to hear, after all these years.

He talked about how scared he was that he was going to die.  How this heart condition has really changed his perspective on life.  How he pictured Jesus looking.  How he still has a lot to learn about me.

I learned a lot about him at the appointment today.... but above all - I learned to live without regrets.

Because they haunt you.

You can't change the decisions you made in the past.  Those are done.  Completed.  Ready to be put away.

But you can change the way you make decisions today.  That change though, comes at the cost of a great deal of effort.  And effort isn't something that's easy to apply to every-day situations and habits.  Effort is a lot of work; but yields an enormous amount of results.

I sat alone in an 8x8 room today across from a man who gave me life...

...but wasn't a part of it.

A man who suffers hearing loss from gunfire and military equipment...

....but has a weak spirit.

A guy who didn't realize how fragile the hearts of others were...

...until he began to suffer from Ventricular Tachycardia.

A man who loves Jesus...

...but fears death.

A Father who lives with a great deal of regret for his actions and choices...

....and receives love and forgiveness from the daughter he didn't want.

A man who feels he has no dignity...

...but doesn't realize that opportunity is always knocking and second chances await him.



Isn't that what life is all about? 

Making the best of the 'now'? 

Saying that you should live without regrets is so cliche'.  Even for me, the queen of inspirational quotes and motivational speeches.  However, the key to living without regrets, in my opinion - is making the best of right now.

I had a choice to make today.

I could've stayed home where it was comfortable, doing the same tasks day-in and day-out.  It wouldn't have hurt anyone and I wouldn't have had to exert any effort.

However, I chose to be uncomfortable.  I took 5 pages of notes at a cardiologists office about a man I don't really know that well.  I learned a great deal about his femoral vein, the lower chambers of his heart, the electrical exchange in his valves and arteries, EKG's, electrophysiology testing, etc.

But what I hope above all is that he learned alot about my heart today too.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Uncomfortable

I wonder....

What if we were given the opportunity to have something really great, but we had to endure some sort of struggle, conflict or uncomfortable circumstance in order to get to the 'reward' that awaits us?

Let's use a simple example of what I'm saying to illustrate my point.

What if life were completely comfortable.  Some days were better than others, but nothing less than ordinary nor unexpected.  For the most part, you have no complaints... and have a great deal to be thankful for.

Then, all of a sudden...  someone tells you that being comfortable doesn't always equate to true happiness and that there's something really great ahead.  Now that something great can be anything you want to imagine it to be.  Maybe it's self-identification... or maybe  a goal you've been waiting to obtain.... or even someone that will treat you the way that you've always wanted to be treated.

The catch?

You're going to be uncomfortable for a while.

Why?

Because in order to appreciate the reward that lies ahead, you're going to have to go through some struggle or uncomfortability. 

Would you opt to stay in a comfortable situation to avoid the vulnerability and transformation that comes with situations that are uncomfortable?

Would you choose to refuse the opportunity to have something great, at the cost of a fragment of your time being spent 'suffering'?


Comfortability is such a delicate subject.  We are creatures of habit. People of routine. We depend on stability to drive satisfaction. When the reality is, what if something greater lies ahead?

We become stuck in between a rock and a hardplace, resisting the grips of fate that are, perhaps pulling us in the direction of something greater for the familiarity of that which is comfortable.

I think if we were all honest with eachother for a second, we could agree that the majority of the time, the things for which we are most thankful -only occurred through a time of change that perhaps, we even fought.

My point is-

for those of you enduring a 'turning point' in your life - hang in there.

The best is yet to come.  No matter how uncomfortable things are in this moment .... we must remember that it is just that... a 'moment' in time.  A small piece of our lives that is necessary to mold us into the person we are supposed to be for the next chapter in our lives.

I know in my own life, that if it weren't for some of the bruises, scars and badges of honor from my past - I would take a great deal of what I have for granted. 

So, I challenge you this week to 'own' your attitude.  Every day we have the opportunity to start fresh.  To break free from the chains that bind us to comfortability and relish in the exposure that being uncomfortable brings....  because if you surrender to the fight, too early in the game....

you just might lose out on something even greater than you can imagine.

The Weekend

The kids and I enjoyed Labor Day weekend in Michigan on Lake Palmer with my friend Amanda and her entire family.  Because I came from a very small family, I always enjoy the family dynamic of other families... especially when they spend time together doing things that have become a tradition for them.

I had to take pictures early Saturday morning down on the canal, so the kids and I didn't leave until the afternoon, but after only about a 2 and a half hour drive, we arrived at Mandy's grandma's house, which was right on the lake. 

We all packed in the house with about 7 other family members and enjoyed the next two days together.  Her grandma cooked us wonderful meals every day and we spent a great deal of time out on the lake.  Although it was a bit cold, the water was very warm - so the kids were in heaven!

I took my kids out on the jetski for a little while and they LOVED it.  Funny how motherhood changes our sense of adventure.  Many years ago, I would've driven the jet ski at full blast, coasting across the 'waves' like it was nothing. 

...two kids in tow holding on to my life jacket, and I drove like an old granny.  I'm not going to lie.  But the kids had so much fun and I really enjoyed doing that together as well.  It made me so happy to hear their giggles behind me as I drove the jet ski across the lake.

It really puts life into perspective.

I could've been doing anything this weekend, but I spent it creating some really cool memories with the kids - and probably something they'll remember forever.  One of those memories where, one day - many years from now, they'll tell their kids about the time "grandma took them for a ride on the jetski."  I know that's like 237489237 years away, but I want my kids to grow up with fond memories of time with me, doing simple things that allow them to experience more than just our normal home surroundings.

The kids and I stood off the edge of the dock one night and tried to catch a few fish.  Wouldn't you know, Bek's Cinderella fishing pole hit the water and caught a little blue gill fish right off the bat.  She was so excited!  And rightfully so - she did it on her own.

I mean... who am I kidding?  I didn't help her bait her own hook :) 

We ended up getting home Monday afternoon around 1ish and I spent the afternoon in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt doing yard work.  Since Chas has become a lawn mowing extraordinaire, I haven't been able to mow for a while, so I took over that job while he cut a tree limb out of our tree.

The fact that it didn't need to be cut out pales in comparison to the manly-ness he felt doing it.  So I let him.  One limb won't hurt anything, right?  Remember the Paul Bunyon story from a few years ago at the old apartment. 

Yea.  He's experienced.

I got my shrubs trimmed up around the house and did the weed eating around the edging .... the best I could.  Which is a far cry from looking good - but ya know.  Whatever.  I did my best.

I'm so ready for bonfires, smores, chili-dinner, and warm gatherings with friends.    Often times, it seems we get so busy with life, we don't slow down to enjoy time with eachother near enough.  Come on fall!!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Coincidence and Marketing

Odd title for a post?

Probably. 

But it goes without saying that I've been a bit frustrated with Blogger for a couple of days.  I wrote out this long post about some stuff that's been going on and a bit more about how things are going with my special someone, but just as I pressed the button to publish the post, the internet errored out.  So, I went into my drafts and it had only saved the first couple of lines.

Coincidence?  Not at all.

No matter how frustrated i was at the time, I decided to let it go because to me, there's no such thing as coincidence and perhaps my post didn't need to be published.

I'll summarize by saying that my son is having some struggles with me openly dating.  It's definitely nothing personal, just his reaction to "change" ... and I think we all struggle with change from time to time.

This is the same beloved child that told me today that I have a "muffin top" ... but that it's not "as bad" as some other people.

Gee thanks, kid.

Nonetheless,contrary to what I probably would've done in the past, I will say that love (yes, i dropped an L bomb) is worth fighting for, and I'm going to hang in there and know that 'if' our relationship progresses in the future (fingers crossed!) and we are able to make it through this hurdle together, we'll be capable of making it through many other things as well.

I know, I'm sure you're all thinking, "what?  she's gonna show up at a function sometime with a significant other?!?!?"  Don't pee your pants 80's ladies ... it just might happen, someday. 

Who knows.

In other news, I'm taking two more classes this semester toward the infamous degree.  Macroeconomics and Marketing.

I'm a total nerd when it comes to Econ.  Love Love Love it.  I actually understand it quite easily and enjoy learning about it.  Not sure what line of work there is for an Economist, but it's a thought.  HA!

Now, my marketing class - these types of classes intrigue me, mostly because it has a creative side that allows me to use logic and reasoning as well as creativity, which is a win-win for me!  I had to write a Social Responsibility Assessment for any company that I wanted.  I struggled at first, but finally found a really good company that I could write about with some ethical marketing strategies that left me wanting to boycott ther products.

Stupid, i know - because seriously, how much of an impact am I going to make?  But I felt like I needed to tell you all about this 'find'.  Nerdy?  Yes.

So, Unilever is the company that makes Axe and Dove products. Dove's marketing approach is about promoting women's natural beauty and helping them understand that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.  They've even gone so far as to create a Campaign for young girls about self-esteem.  A few years ago, they produced a commercial with a young freckle-faced girl, watching a television with constant looping ads of women in commercials.  Everything from Victoria's Secret to anti-wrinkle cream commercials.  The tag line at the end was, "Talk to your daughter before the beauty industry does."

This coming from the same company that produces the Axe line of personal hygiene products for young men.  Their marketing tag line for Axe is, "The cleaner you are, the dirtier you'll get."  Their commercials show scantily clad ladies waltzing around men, touching, lusting, etc after attractive Axe-wearing men.

I took it upon my self to check my son's shower for his bottles of Axe, just to read the back labels. 

...i mean, aren't we all guilty of reading the shampoo bottle in the shower every now and then?

One of his bottles informed me that if he uses said product, it will leave all of the girls resisting the urge to touch him.

The other said that since we all know girls love teddy bears and puppies.  It went on to say that using this conditioner would leave girls wanting to touch something else soft.... your hair.

Really!?!?!

The very company that is talking about how women need to have high self-esteem and self-image, is marketing products to men that leave them with the urge to "do as animals do and mate."

No thanks.

Although I am done having children, I do really like babies and understand that my next 'baby' will be a grandchild... however... I am not interested in my son mating, pollenating or doing his part to increase the world population....

..until he is at least 50.  :)


Needless to say, we'll be switching to Axe's compaetitor.... Old Spice Swagger.

Rock on.